Freedom in intimacy, which I wrote about last time, is not only the freedom to be yourself in the other's presence. It is also the freedom to have a rich inner life, including fantasies, desires, images, and scenarios you have not lived and may not want to live literally. And precisely this dimension, erotic fantasies and their impact on relationships, is one of the least understood and most judged aspects of sexual life.

Almost everyone has fantasies. Studies show that over ninety per cent of adults report having regular sexual fantasies. And yet the subject remains surrounded by shame, judgement, and a silence that does more harm than any open conversation would.

What are fantasies and where do they come from? They are not necessarily indicators of what you want to experience in reality. They are products of the erotic imagination, influenced by experiences, emotions, psychological needs, personality structure, and cultural context. A fantasy about power or control does not mean you want to be dominated or to dominate in everyday life. A fantasy about something forbidden does not mean you want to do that thing. The erotic mind operates with symbols and metaphors, not with action plans.

Esther Perel describes fantasies as an erotic autobiography, a territory that contains information about our fears, our desires for power, surrender, recognition, our needs for safety or transgression. Being curious about your own fantasies, without immediately judging them, is a form of self-knowledge.

How do fantasies influence the relationship? In a few ways worth understanding.

The first way is positive: fantasies nourish desire. A rich inner erotic life is not a threat to the relationship. On the contrary, it keeps alive a desire and a curiosity that can be brought, at least partially, into the relational space. People with an active erotic imaginary life tend to have a more satisfying sexual life within the relationship, not a less satisfying one.

The second way is more complex: when fantasies remain completely separate from the relationship, hidden out of shame or fear of being judged, an inner distance is created. The person lives a double erotic life: an imaginary one, rich and free, and a real one, limited and self-censored. This separation produces a diffuse dissatisfaction that is hard to name, but which is real.

The third way appears when fantasies become substitutes for real life, when the imaginary entirely takes the place of connection with the real partner. This is a signal that something in the relationship needs attention, not that the fantasies are wrong.

What do you do with fantasies in a relational context? There is a spectrum between total silence and complete disclosure, and neither extreme is ideal for everyone.

Some fantasies are yours and can remain yours. Not every thought in your mind needs to be shared. Inner life has the right to privacy even from the closest partner.

Others can be shared partially, in the form of hints or directions: I like the idea of more intensity, I would like us to explore more power play, I am curious about what it would mean to... These openings do not require full acceptance or immediate implementation. They require a dialogue.

Others can be explored together, if both partners are open and if there is a genuine conversation beforehand, with clear boundaries and authentic consent.

There is also a trap I mention directly: sharing all fantasies without discrimination, including those that involve other people or that might produce pain or insecurity in the other, is not honesty. It is a lack of tact and sometimes a lack of care for your partner. Radical transparency in eroticism is not an absolute virtue. Wisdom lies in knowing what in your inner life nourishes the relationship and what is better kept private.

I believe knowing yourself erotically, including the less convenient fantasies and desires, is an act of maturity. And knowing what to do with that knowledge in the relationship is an act of wisdom.

What is a fantasy or intimate desire you have that you have never explored, either with your partner or within yourself as a space of self-knowledge? And what has stopped you?