A friend of mine is always going on about how, because she's a privileged white person living in a First World country, she doesn't deserve certain things because others need them more or that her problems aren't serious enough to be worth dealing with because others have it far harder.
Frankly, this annoys me, because I think this attitude is bullshit and harmful. Life may be full of suffering and you might have a better time of it than some simply because of the circumstances of your birth and social standing, but don't make it into the Suffering Olympics. That is not how it works. Also, it doesn't endear you to anyone if you continually go on about your privileges. In the open letter below, I attempt to explain why.
Dear X,
Having privilege(s) might make your life easier in some ways, certainly, but it doesn't mean your life is going to be easy, or should be. Life is difficult, no matter who you are or how many advantage/handicap cards you hold at the start of the game.
Maybe it seems strange to you that I go through the trouble of making end meet every day and still "listen to some spoiled kid whine about her BS", when I don't have to. Well, fuck you! Yes, I barely have the time and energy to do the things I have to just to survive each day (never mind for the constructive things I do to earn money), but I choose to "waste" it in giving some to you, because I think you're worth some compassion and empathy (even if that's to my detriment/expense on some level). But bugger me for caring about you, right? I mean, you're just some random whiny European white girl I met online, after all. No, Darling, just no. We're friends, whatever little that is worth in this strange modern life where (almost) everything is disposable (including people).
I may well be an arsehole in many ways, but I'm not a heartless and uncaring one.
Sure, an overabundance of empathy might well be one of my faults that I need to work on. Maybe it's a bad thing that makes me a sponge for others' pain and susceptible to playing agony aunt too much for my own well-being and mental health. No good deed goes unpunished and everything has a cost. Whatever. Just, please don't spurn me and my attention/friendship. Definitely don't accuse me of wasting it in giving it to you, because you'll get a thrashing and tongue-lashing you might not like.
Sure, your problems may be alien or trivial to me and I can't walk your path for you, don't have much experiential overlap. They are still yours, just as difficult and real to you as mine are to me. What difference does it make that we find ourselves in different situations? Mine is no more valid/worthy of attention than yours, "equal" or not. I don't get to whine and complain more because my difficult place is not yours. This is not the Suffering Olympics. This is not how life works, so stop this nonsense of comparing and competing for the position of biggest loser. No good will come of it; you'll only hurt yourself (and me, because I care about you).
Everybody deserves to be cared for and loved (and the company of good people around them to give it, to listen to their complaints and "whining" as you term it, to be supportive), simply because of the fact they exist, social hierarchies and power structures be damned. It shouldn't be conditional, dependant on nor proportional to how much you have or haven't suffered and how minor your problems.
Sure, you may be a teenage girl with a good life, a well-to-do background and a family that love and support you. That doesn't change the fact that, generally, almost everybody's teenage years are/were Hell on toast. Mine certainly were, what with the bullying and other crap to which I was subjected because I refused to conform to Patriarchal toxic masculinity hegemony. As a cishet white guy, I'm well aware that I possibly/probably had an easier time of it than the Black and gay guys. I can't imagine what their experiences were like, just like I can't imagine the experiences of a trans* person. You can downplay them all you want, but don't try to convince me they weren't just as painful and traumatising, if not more so; you'll be wasting time for both of us.
That you beat yourself up over "small stuff" worries me. Beating myself up is one of the few things I'm good at, since I've done it for decades. It has got me nowhere good. From experience, I know that I can't convince you not to do something that you're going to do anyway, out of habit, just by talking about it. However, I still wish I could "gift" you the life experience I've had, so you can see how pointless and detrimental it is.
"If I were stronger, I'd ...", you say.
I know that refrain all too well, my friend, believe me. If I were stronger, if I were smarter, if I worked harder and for longer, if I were kinder, etc. ... Well, then I'd be a different person living a different life. But I'm not, am I? I'm the shitty scumbag of a person that I am and I'm not going to change, because I don't want to and I know that deep down. It has taken me a while to start accepting that I'm actually comfortable enough with that state of affairs to not do anything about it. Being seen as a selfish, useless monster who uses other people, by those other people shouldn't (and largely doesn't) concern me. (If they can't accept me and not see me as a social pariah, then it's not worth me wasting energy on caring about them or trying to cater to them.)
"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need, with money we don't have, to impress people we don't like."
— Chuck Palahnuik; Fight Club
Fuck that noise! I'm not about that life. If people don't like me because of that, if it keeps me poor, so be it. It's a hard life, but I'm happier to die alone on my feet than live on my knees at some corporate overlord's feet, never being quite good enough to make it to the big time. Because that attitude violates certain conditions/prerequisites they have, I don't get support of any kind (neither emotional nor financial) from my family and have had to look for it elsewhere, from other people. It's incredibly difficult to get, since most people really don't really give a shit about anyone but themselves. Don't underestimate your wealth in that aspect of your life and definitely don't spurn or discard it, just because you started further down the road than other people. It's still going to have its bumps, blind corners and potholes.
Anyway, I digress, since this is not about me and my difficulties, nor a plea for sympathy. There's checking your privilege and there's self-denial and self-erasure because of a feeling of being undeserving of care and help. They're not the same, so don't conflate them. Being aware of one's privilege is a good thing. Using that awareness as an excuse to denigrate oneself isn't. There's no point in hurting/starving yourself of love, support and respect (from both yourself and others) just because you carry a few cards others don't, simply due to the luck of the draw.
Looking to others for help (received or not) is not "begging elsewhere". Even if it was, so what? Sometimes, begging has made the difference between me holding on a little longer and not. Dignity and pride are luxuries the impoverished can not afford. I hope you never get to know the truth of that.
That you have been generous enough to help me makes me hugely grateful. I know you told me you don't expect or want anything in return, but I don't work like that. If I can't repay you with work, then I will do so in other ways, like giving of my valuable time and attention. I really don't want to see you throw away what you have and make the same mistakes I did because of low self-esteem and self-doubt, feeling unworthy and a fraud. You can't lift others up by putting yourself down.
All love is good love, so take what you can get. Harmful thoughts and beliefs about oneself need to to rooted out and destroyed early on, before they get firmly lodged in the garden of the mind and fuck up your psyche for life. You're still young and have a fighting chance of making that happen, if you really want to. As for me, it's too late; my goose is cooked.
If "whining" about stuff, vocalising it, is part of how you process stuff, go for it. So what if it's "too much" for some people? Rather do that than bottle it up and pretend everything is fine. It isn't, we aren't and we know it. ("Fine" is just a cop-out excuse for not taking action that could change your life for the better.) I have faith and hope that if we work at it, one day we'll have figured out how to change that. For now, though, we're all mad here, but some of us are brave enough to admit it and try to do something about it while we still can.
Tomorrow is not a day of the week, but it might be good for something constructive (more than just surviving), if we get our shit together long enough to get through today.
With love and concern,
Your friend
Thumbnail: Photo by Karolina Grabowska from/on Pexels
