I think the cult's about to come after me, so I'm on edge. I just saw a neighbor call the cops and talk to them, then he spat in my general direction. I kept trying to tell myself the guy's spitting is just a byproduct of his smoking, but now I'm doubting that.

I think they're about to militarize a cult against me. It takes time, usually because they have to slowly convince people over the course of months, but I guess they already had that time.

Everything isn't rainbows, roses and gumdrops in America. There are people who justify intimidation upon others using religion and gossip.

Every time I start to remember what happened, I remember things a little wrong and it pisses everyone off. Then they raise their shitty cult to torture me until I forget, and can't say anything about the abuse by my grandfather. They really care about the reputation of their group, whatever the name of it is. They care so much about reputation that they don't care about objectivity.

I know it sounds like schizo bullshit, but it's not. Child traffickers have a stranglehold over past witnesses, not just in America.

"You can only be held responsible for your own actions and reactions."

That's not how extrajudicial law works. You can also be held accountable by a crooked cop entrapping and coercing you, because they're working for a cult leader. You can also be held accountable for planted evidence.

Why is my ex's dad working at a youth group, if they give the slightest fuck about protecting kids? People really don't care. People say they do, and I try to force myself to believe it. It has been a few weeks since I forced myself, against my internal instinct, to believe it. But now, that's breaking. I know they're planning something, I just don't know what.

I wish there was a single place in the USA where free speech truly mattered, but there isn't, unless you aren't thinking very hard at all about how the world works and acquiesce to the willful ignorance of the masses.

There's a reason the media depicts people with dissociative disorders as demons, even though it is directly caused by child abuse and gaslighting.

These abusers want to raise extrajudicial violence against anyone who remembers how they were hurt, and so could theoretically act upon it if the legal system functioned properly.

Willful ignorance is the go-to excuse in America. Willful ignorance is just an excuse, though (and that's why we're fucked). That doesn't mean that my truth is no less the truth, in spite of it. Is it fair? Obviously not, but facts are still facts.

I want to go to the psych ward again, but I have no idea if they'll just bring in a bunch of old men to scream at me while forcing me to take an ice bath again, not that they did last time per se (but if they did, I wouldn't remember it). Maybe it's time to call my therapist and get myself checked out again. However, She's booked until the 21st, and honestly I don't trust her either yet. Most people don't want to know because they want a simple, wrong understanding of the world that lets them ignore violence by hate groups. Americans prefer simple lies to complex truths. Keep in mind I'm a guy and I'm tall, so people call me a baby for being "triggered" by childhood trauma; toxic masculinity at its finest. Flip the perception: Babies are brave as fuck, sponges of growth capability. Men can be vulnerable too.

I'm glad that I can at least express it it here and be seen. My family and friends either pretended to not know anything, or possibly genuinely don't remember, either. That's the sad thing about dissociation; you don't remember what you don't remember (or if you remember correctly) and you don't know what anyone else does remember.

I don't think anyone else will be bothered if they decide to shoot a couple of bullets through my head over the Winter.

I keep hoping this town is somehow capable of not doing whatever the rapists want, but JFC, people are deranged in America! There's definitely a complete loss of reality and a surprising degree of obedience to manipulators.

Anyone who remembers the "other side" of society, they just bludgeon into silence. It's taboo to know about it, and even more taboo to speak about it (or speak out against it). Any time that I try to post anything about it on Web 2 sites like Reddit, it gets deleted if I go into too much detail. I guess my truth isn't important enough to warrant any real investigation ...

I know I look like a schizophrenic, but not all of my fear is paranoia. My persecutory delusions are a direct result of the shitty cycle of (mis)remembering, being tortured, forgetting, and going through life without knowing what's real, until the memories start pouring out, and it starts all over again.

There are people who want civil war in America, and there is definitely already a cold war. I think the the men who drugged and brainwashed me to mess with my memories are hoping I'll get caught up and killed in it.

Maybe that's just me extrapolating the memories too far though. My ex says most people have good intentions, and I trust her but I take that bit with a grain of salt. The road to hell is paved with them, after all.

It was easier when I didn't remember. But I can't grow nor better myself if I don't remember. I can't protect myself like that, either.

I wish Americans just treated each other with basic human dignity and didn't trash each other's mental health, instead of manipulating and lying and tearing each other down. Imagine how fucking utopian that would be. Just imagine how utopian that hypothetical world would be. But nah, it's all about dominance and cruelty in this country. Try to be anything better as a person, everyone turns on you. Striving for better — opposition be damned — is a basic human right.

There's a reason our people are able to see Biden as a Communist and all Communists as Stalinists, I guess; a full-blown separate way of understanding the world based on hate and fear. And I just had to be born here, in God's country (or so we're supposed to believe) ...

I used to think that sitting in my own home and minding my own business would lead to people treating me with basic human dignity, but I guess that's not how society works.

I'll shut up for now, though. Thanks for putting up with my rant. I know it's stuff nobody wants to read.

Thumbnail image by Lucas Pezeta on Pexels