Devastation reigned and I was an empty shell, a husk of my previous existence. I was isolated and alone and even though Emilia had tried to reach out, I’d even completely withdrawn from her. My inner voice, which had so often conflicted with my outer expression, now spoke in unity with my whole being.
I am nothing and my life is worthless.
Thursday was Corpus Christi—or in Polish Boże Ciało (literally Christ’s Body)—which always falls on a Thursday. In my current state it meant nothing to me and even now it only stands out because it was on this day, imprisoned in the oven-like cell that my room had become, that my mood found new expression.
One band more than any other band reaches into my inner being and connects with my deepest sorrow. One song in particular has always stood out as an anthem and it’s a song of disappointment and an inability to feel. Words used to describe people as nothing more than unfeeling machines resonate to my very bones and especially with the overlay of disappointment in that as human beings we should always have been more.
Life should simply have been different.
So in my solitude it was my music that I turned to. I locked myself into my earphones grabbed my phone and went to the playlist I was looking for. Only today I scanned through my anthem and settled on another song by the same band. Maybe it was my particular mood, but the words of this grabbed hold of my head like never before.
Nothing is forever, the vocalist explained in terrible angst, and things change so quickly. One moment everything is fine and then it all slips away like sand running through your fingers, and the more you try to hold on the more you lose.
This is me and this is my loss.
Every time the song came to an end I played it again. I’ve always been a bit obsessive with music and it’s not unusual for me to do this. The difference was that normally the constant repetition diminishes the power of the music and lyrics, but today they reaffirmed my feelings even more powerfully. Each line passed through me like a jolt of electricity and only served to remind me of my loneliness and despair.
My existence had become unbearable and the only certainty I had, was that I knew my self-imposed exile was fully deserved because of my crimes. I’d done it to myself. I’d given in to temptation and now I was paying the price. It’d left me heartbroken and even though I knew it was the end, I was still in love with Dominika, probably even more so than ever. The finality of her burning the letter, which I’d so carefully written, had been the cremation of our relationship.
How could I have been so stupid?
The old saying really is true, you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. And now it was well and truly gone. After six weeks and especially the last few days, I’d reached my breaking point and needed to get out. My guilt wasn’t dissipating and there was no release. I knew probably only Emilia really cared and I was so loathsome that I couldn’t accept even her love. I didn’t deserve anything, but disgrace because I was so contemptible. I’d spent too long cooped up in what I’d finally accepted was my new room, with each lonely moment being a terrible reminder of my sins. My chains were heavier than Jacob Marley’s, but no Dickensian ghost could save me from my past, present or future.
Guilt demands punishment.
Where the hell did that thought come from? It hit me like a hammer, a brutal blunt force trauma and suddenly I understood.
In a second my mind was made up. I knew what I had to do. It was time to embrace my judgment. I wasn’t brave enough to do myself in, but maybe someone else can!
What a fucked up thought! I’ll hand myself over—even to death.
With that stupid rash thought my mission for the night was determined. I’ll go out and find my own obliteration. I was no longer committed to anyone or anything and could do what I wanted. I was free and yet the very things that made me free locked me in dark shackles which clanged as an indelible reminder of how far I had fallen.
This is a snippet from my very first published novel. Hope you enjoyed it.
As always stay safe and well my friends.
