The mind is a wonderful thing, but it is also dangerously vulnerable both to itself and external influences and this is where I will start today. Life is full of challenges and we are increasingly becoming aware of mental health issues and how they affect us. We find events can overwhelm us and triggers, long hidden in the mists of the past jump out from nowhere just like malevolent phantoms (to misquote Harper Lee - To Kill a Mockingbird) and we are shocked and surprised when it happens.

In fact two nights ago this is exactly what I experienced. My five year old inadvertently set off a trigger and so vividly that it left me reeling like I had been hit by a boxer. Of course from his perspective I kept my composure because while his behavour did set off the trigger he was hardly being naughty even if he was running a fine line. For him it was nothing extraordinary, but for me it was shocking and with more time increasingly traumatic.

This was followed up yesterday by a meeting I had, which also served to solidify how I was feeling and the darkness really has descended. You might recall my post of a week or two ago (forgive me for not looking it up exactly) and the fact is that forget Trump and Putin and all that shit the fact is that we all face our own times of challenge and this is one of those seasons for me. I am in a fight, and I feel like I am losing and my feelings can best be represented in a song, part of which I have quoted below.

Who cares, who weeps?
All is lost and the sickle reaps
Blank eyes look deep
Love and hope crumble to the feet
I don't care if I've made my mark
O this angry world that's left me in the dark
Just cut a message on my stone
"I want to be alone"

I wanna die!

Feel the knots twisting inside
As I look to the bullets to be my guide
In a razor's edge should I confide
To open my veins and bleed them dry?
Oh, the endless pressure, how can I cope?
I try to release but the valves are broke
A psychotic grasp upon my throat
I wanna hang the rope!

Death you feel is your friend
As it calls from the black unknown
Voices hounding at your mind
Echo to the bone...
Alone in suicide

I used to honor my day of birth
Cherish life and place it first
But now I view it as a curse
Dig my grave and rent the hearse!
Yes, every morning I take a walk
That leads me trapped in an empty box
A liar's face and the voice that mocks
I want to stop the clock!

Death you feel is your friend
As it calls from the black unknown
Voices hounding at your mind
Echo to the bone...
Alone in suicide

 

I have actually cut the song lyrics off because the final verses are one of hope and are life affirming, but this is not where I am at the moment. Having said that, and despite what you have just read, don't worry to much about me because while these thoughts swirl and threaten to consume me that fact is that I am not "brave" enough to do anything so desperate and at the same time I am too curious to see how my boys grow into men they are supposed to be.

On that note, and as always, please stay safe and well my friends.