So, here I go again. This is a lesson I am struggling with. I know the theory, I accept it intellectually, but it doesn't mean that it is easy when you don't feel it.
I am of course talking about self-compassion (as suggested in the title).
Recent times, recent spirals, recent revelations and recently retrieved memories have shown me time and time again that I have a major absence in my life and that being self-compassion. It seems that history has shown that I am capable of compassion, but I singly lack the ability to show anything like that kind of compassion to myself.
I judge myself to harshly and I hold myself to a standard that is both unreasonable and unachievable.
And yet I am who I am and I feel what I feel. Over the weekend I took some significant steps in moving forwards with this - you might recall my posts - but as pressure mounts - I find myself moving back to that all familiar territory - "a path once trodden is easy to return to". I may be more aware than I was a week ago, but there is security in familiarity.
And that familiarity is what keeps dragging me down.
It is oppressive, it is fear masked as guilt and it is suffocating.
And yet, until very recently, I seemed so together. The mask I was wearing for nearly half a century was firmly cemented in place and not moving and then as it tends to, life, memories and pressure dislodged the mask and suddenly I was exposed.
There were likely several triggers, things bubbling in the background, but I think the one that pushed me over the edge was when Older_Rah did something, it wasn't even naughty, just mischievous and I over-reacted - fortunately to him it only came across as me telling him off, so no damage done - and that is what matters.
There's that compassion for others again - and for my sons it is easy and goes without saying, but there is none of that compassion coming back for myself.
I really am trying here, but effort doesn't always make it any easier. Life very much seems to be for every forward step I take I fall back ten (yesterday it felt like two and so my perception is that things are only getting worse).
Fear, that I thought for so long was guilt (and there is still a strong element of that), is a b***h. It paralyses and destroys everything it touches and bestows an interia that no amount of energy can shift. This then, in turn has a damaging effect on relationships - as it comes across as not giving a s**t when the opposite it true.
When doing nothing seems to be the better option - there is something wrong with that.
Don't get me wrong, it is not that I don't do anything, but in any moment of challenge I back off and retreat and this is why that lack of self-compassion, judgement and inertia is a hurdle too far.
As always stay safe and well my friends.
