Over the course of the last week I have shared a couple of articles connected with bullying. The first article raised concerns connected with cyber-bullying and the second focused mainly on providing a response and making some suggestions as to  what parents should do to build up and support their child. Some of this advice was general and not specifically bullying related. However what I said will help a bullied child to feel less isolated.

I received some excellent responses, which in my mind justified the writing of this third (and probably final) article on the subject. As one commentator said we probably all endure bullying from time to time and while we must accept that as a fact it can never become acceptable. What became apparent though was that there was still a gap in what I had covered and that will be the focus of this article

What should a young person who is being bullied do about it?

I am coming from a place where I too was bullied as a very young child. My crime, that made it easy to single me out, was simply that I was wearing glasses from the age of about 3, and for several years I was the only one in my year group to do so. I cannot describe how much I hated and blamed my glasses for my woes. I wasn't particularly good at sport and, primarily because of my glasses, even at such a young age I was considered to be geeky and a loser. So some of my observations are based on my own experience and others are based on what I saw in others including the remarkable story one of my classmates.

The point is very simple, a person who is bullied needs to find their strength and confidence and there are several ways of doing this, of which one is probably  unacceptable in 2021. I was a child of the 70s and 80s and as people often say times are different now. So I will start with that one and that doesn't mean I necessarily recommend it.

It started on a summer's day on my way home from school. I was about seven or eight. One boy wanted to fight with me and I had no interest in doing so. I had been brought up not to fight. He had an older brother and between the older brother and his friends, they surrounded me and hemmed me in with their bicycles. So I had no chance of escaping and no chance of avoiding the attack. I didn't even know how to fight and so when he came for me I bit him hard on the hand. He immediately stopped and somehow I got out of the crowd of bicycles and older boys and ran home. Later that evening the boy's mother came to complain that I had bitten her son. My parents knew me and knew my nature and simply said that if he'd left me alone in the first place nothing would have happened. I honestly can't remember if I had told them beforehand what had happened, but it was great to know I had their support.

Even though I hadn't really fought this had an incredible effect. I no longer needed to tolerate physical intimidation or threats and right up to my mid teens if somebody threatened me I simply hit them. I became very passive aggressive, in that I never started anything but often finished it. In some cases I took on boys much older than me with the same result. In an echo of what my parents said to me, my older brother was was asked by some of his classmates to keep me under control. My brother's response was very simple - 'Just leave him alone then and he won't bother you!'

My attitude became; 'You knock on my door and I'll knock right back.' 

Nowadays this is an unacceptable approach, as is smacking a child. Violence begets violence and creates a framework which supports physical power and domination of another as an acceptable solution. We might think it is okay in the schoolyard, but is something that is fundamentally the same thing acceptable in a marriage? Of course not!

The legacy of this experience is that I am still passive aggressive, but my triggers are almost totally under control. To some extent that has come with age and maturity, but another thing that was transformative and helpful was that I found my own self-esteem and belief in myself.

So now I would like to share some more positive ideas, many of which I also used.

Make friends and become part of a group.

Having friends around you makes you less vulnerable and provides a support network. Bullies thrive on isolating their victims. Hang out with them and build solid connections so you know they have your back. In my case this started with one particular friend when I was about nine or ten. We often used to go to each other's houses after school and have 'tea' (as we call it in my part of England and it is a meal not a cup of tea!) and became solid friends. Later that became a wider group and even though I wasn't particularly good at football I was part of their group and really good solid friendships were built there. Through social media I am still in touch with many of them even now. My best friend, even to this day, came out of that period in time - which was about 1983. I was in a group who accepted me and I felt a part of them.

Build powerful alliances.

This is an extension of the point above. If you have somebody who looks out for you it always helps. I remember again in about 1983 one boy hit me (even though I had become a fighter I didn't win every time, although I probably won about 90% of the time) and it was enough to show that if the fight continued that I'd lose. So I went down with full knowledge that I had an ally nearby. This ally then hit him (remember what I said about violence begetting violence?) and my ally told this other boy to leave me alone. I was never bothered again.

Build a personality / distraction.

'I don't have the looks so I will have the personality,' I determined over a period of time. I became fun to hang out with and developed a sense of humour. I laughed and teased and really developed an ability to connect with people. People started to really like me and my looks and glasses became less relevant. I was more protected and more accepted and consequently I became more relaxed and less aggressive.

Build Self-Esteem

We are all unique and that makes us all special. I touched on it in my last article but build esteem from those who really care with no desire to get something from you. Find confidence in focusing on your strengths and do not let negative voices drag you down. This means being centred and real to yourself. Don't be arrogant and become something you are not. Esteem will mean that you don't seek validation from people who don't matter or only want to cause you harm. In the 21st century this means having the strength to block them.

And a few do nots

Personally I don't think it is wise to directly involve teachers. I know this one might be controversial and teaching is a major part of what I do professionally (although no longer in a traditional school setting). The worst thing that can happen to a bullied child is a teacher intervention. The teacher cannot always be there and that is when the bully will strike. Indirect action might work like for example asking the bullied child (or even the bully) to stay for a few minutes after class to help tidy some papers or something (that has to be unrelated) can work and give the bullied young person time.

Similarly parents should be involved, but not directly for exactly the same reasons. A parent cannot always be there. However parents play a more formative role in developing their children and as I wrote in my last article their job is to build strength, confidence and coping mechanisms in the child. Ultimately the child needs to develop the resources to deal with the day to day situations they face. It is part of growing up. Cocooning in an over-protective bubble will not work and will ill-equip the child for adult life.

As you shouldn't let the bully define your self-esteem don't try to buy popularity. Your resources will soon run out. I tried this and came up short and found myself stealing from my parents to fund buying sweets (= buying perceived popularity but was actually just being used). Ultimately I was caught and got into a lot of trouble and it was only in a conversation literally this Christmas (2020) that I realised that they had understood from the very beginning why I was doing what I had done. I was surprised, but it left me feeling WOW! That's supportive parenting. They dealt with me, but never condemned me.

And so called mobbing?

Those who have read my other related posts will note that I hate the term mobbing. It is bullying, plain and simple, only it is between adults and in the workplace. Many of the techniques (not hitting!) above will still work, but in the workplace there is an additional advantage for the target. You were hired for your competences so do your job and do your job well. Take the higher ground so you become unimpeachable. Be excellent at your job and be untouchable in your behaviour. Get a track record for excellence and leverage it. When it is blatant escalate the issue when proof is absolute. Many companies have 'miss one level' reporting mechanisms because it is well known that in the workplace issues are often related to the worker's immediate supervisor. If the worst comes to the worst move on. Is the job worth it?

However, when moving on if the issue keeps returning it suggests that maybe some inward reflection is necessary. None of us are perfect and from time to time we need to just take a look at ourselves.

I came across a story once where a guy who experienced difficulties wherever he went acknowledged that he is quite tactless and blunt to the point of being offensive. There are a number of complex reasons why this is the case, but if the person is aware he should take time to think through any responses and actively work on it. Ignorance of an issue isn't necessarily an excuse, but awareness of an issue is half of the solution.

So now finally let me bring you to one of my school friends. I am going to seemingly be unkind to begin with, but please read this though to the end.

It always surprised me that he wasn't bullied at school. He was overweight (which was less common in the 80s than now), freckly, with gingerish blond hair and probably even worse at sport than me. He wasn't a looker with girls hanging on his every word and gesture and he was also quite sensitive and could become tearful if he got something wrong or he felt threatened. He was very gentle and didn't have an aggressive bone in his body. Additionally, he was highly intelligent and well-behaved. In the school I went to this made an individual even more of a target for being a 'swot'. Everything was against him and yet he was never - to my knowledge - bullied. I have often pondered, even with some envy, how he managed this.

It took me literally years to work it out and it came down to one simple thing, which brings everything I have written together.

He was simply likeable.

We all liked him. He joined us when playing football or causally chatted between lessons and was very kind. I recall one occasion when somebody made the mistake of threatening him. He was tearful and worried and the response was that a whole load of us (including me) stepped in and the bully backed down. We protected him collectively because we liked him. The bully may have been able to get to him when he was on his own but the bully would also have understood that if such a circumstance were to occur there would be consequences.

So it sum up, isolation is the bully's main ally and it is the bullied's worst enemy.

Please stay safe and stay well and more soon. Take care.