Tomorrow I will try to post something more cheerful. I have an idea. Recently I have been using AI to create many of my header images and some of them have been really good (eg I really liked the PayPal one a few days ago). Sometimes they are meh. For example for yesterday's post when i wanted a sad clown AI gave me the one from Stephen King's IT - see above!

I have never watched the film so I don't even know if the character has a name - totally inappropriate for what I needed; so I dug around in Pexels.

Yesterday afternoon, because Mama_Rah was on edge (again) so I took the baby out for a couple of hours to give her a break. When I got back in, as usual, she'd done hardly anything (she is not without her mental challenges too) and said that even the older one (the original Baby_Rah) was difficult. Err... no he is not! He just needs a bit of direction and not to be completely left to his own devices when a parent (!) is just watching TV or playing Candy Crush type of games.

Anyhow, I started bathing the children or trying to. They were distracting each other and it was a moment where divide and conquer was the right approach. Despite my appeals for help ("don't tell me what to do") I was left to try to sort them both who were getting increasingly out of hand. We are supposed to be a fucking team. 

Yet of course if the shoe is on the other foot I am on her beck and call - which is fair enough.

I must admit that after a few minutes of this I didn't behave in the best way possible, in that I grabbed my head hard in my hands and let out a relatively suppressed growl - but it was still a growl.

Bearing in mind she knew about Friday, her response...

Even a psychologist can't help you. Go and commit suicide, nobody will notice and nobody will care.

Although she said it in front of the boys it is unlikely they understood.

She is as volatile with the kids as she is with me and so it is getting to the point where I have to choose either the safety of my kids or my sanity - literallly.

If there is any light it is that both she and I are seeking help and in recent weeks there have been moments when she has been more balanced; the Mama_Rah I fell in love with.

I know I am oversharing, but if I don't find some expression - my head that feels stuck in a vice - will flip and I will have a total breakdown.

Thank you P0x, my friends, and a community that I feel very much a part of.