For some time now I have been thinking about, and also talking about (to a few friends) about how friendships seem different now. Not just the new ones, but also the old ones, it feels like there is a barrier, or a pseudo barrier keeping people away, and I seem to be scared of getting close to this barrier, scared of trying to see through. Anytime I talk about this with my friends they make me feel good about it, they tell me they are there for me, and there needs to be no barrier. 

I have noticed the differences, I have noticed how the process has changed, it takes longer and yet feels shallower, feels like it would crumble under the slightest pressure, feels like I need to be really careful about my mask with a person, a slight slip and the friendship (or whatever it should be called) vanishes. Why do friendships have to be this objective oriented and limited in scope and nature, why does it start feeling like a mutual service, like a transaction in a barter system? But then I realised, I would also enforce this barrier for other people trying to be my friends at some level, maybe not as stern as the next adult but it exists, is it a defence mechanism? Either way, I thought about this and realised that most adults would feel this way about adult friendships, and if so, if we are all equally scared and scarred, why not help each other, why not make adult friendships fun and impulsive again? Why not take the dread out and stop institutionalising it? Is it because no one wants to take the initiative because what if it doesn't work out, what if you then are labelled as a weirdo? What if the others are so deep under their shields that they just won't be able to dig through it, and I understand, it is a lot easier to be liked and to feel like you belong while suffering inside because at least you don't look like a fool. 

This sort of reminds me of this concept in the game theory (forgot the name) which essentially applies to a group of peers in this case, none of whom benefit from a change in the current setup, while being miserable individually, it would only benefit everyone if everyone decides to lower their shields, but when only one does, it is a loss for them, so no one does anything, maintaining the unstable equilibrium.