I was thinking about applying for citizenship to Slowjamastan, but they have a requirement that you maintain unwavering support for the Republic, and always show allegiance to the Sultan.  As a member of the sovereign warlord movement, I am simply incapable of complying with such demands.  Which is funortunate, because their passport is really cute.

The raccoon is their national animal.  It seems like a pretty mellow place.

Since citizenship is out of the question, I sent a letter to the Sultan, requesting a summit.  I believe it is important for dictators and autocrats to forge diplomatic relationships, ensuring peace and prosperity for our invisible subjects and citizens.  The free rain of freedom will rain like a slow jam on the outstretched heads and dizzy hands of the citizens of Slowjamastan and Pablo Smogtopia alike.  It is my sincere hope that peace can be restored, before it has even begun.

The letter is pasted below the flag of Slowjamastan, which depicts a raccoon carrying a medieval war axe on a green field, upon which is emblazoned a code of honor and the national sun.  And I thought my cartoon face was cool.  Then again, I'm not a country.

Wish us luck.

Dear Sultan,  

I was considering applying for citizenship to your republic, but as a member of the sovereign warlord movement, I found it difficult to click the boxes that talk about allegiance, loyalty, and support.  As an observant sovereign cultural warlord, I would like to propose a summit, during which we will solidify our commitment to using the correct "your," among other important matters.  

To prove my dedication, I wrote a Declaration of Cultural Autocracy, in which I declare:  "In this era of fake demonic idiot-pop, monosyllabic children's strip-club music, retro-progressive cultural devolutionism, and Kanye West, I have decided to secede from the Union and declare myself the warlord of a cultural banana republic.  I hereby shred the DECLARATION OF CO-DEPENDENCE and COMMUNITY-THINK, and remind everyone that the fight between COLLECTIVISM and INDIVIDUALISM has never been more important."  

It gets kind of serious at the end, but the tagline of my sovereign autocracy balances it out.  The declaration states, "if your warlord doesn't need sunglasses for his hair, he's an idiot!"  Read it for yourself here if you like:  

Funortunately, I am currently in self-imposed exile in Mexico, and am only legally able to travel to the bathroom, so we will have to hold the summit in a secret location.  But the balance of future world power relies on the ability of dictators and warlords to agree about mumble rap and microwave settings, and to attain household-name cultural dominance by any means unnecessary.  Limited to but not including listening only to self-appointed cultural autocrats who can read and write in cursive, and who have never worn Crocs.  I propose Pablo Smog Day, a rotating, non-committal holiday in which the citizens of Slowjamastan listen only to music produced by Pablo Smog, in strict adherence to the tenets of your own dictatorial whims, unless they don't feel like it.  Today, tomorrow, whenever.  

Since your country is surrounded by the US, and my autocracy is under siege by the land of Mexico, perhaps we could rig a system of helicopters and pulleys to export valuable cultural materials back and forth.  Under the global cultural serfdom, my personal GDP has been stagnant for decades.  In colloquial terms, "O cpi;d rea;;u ise tje ,pmeu/."  Which is Pablo Smogese for, "I could really use the money."   I look forward to smuggling radical badassery through the undetectable network of underwater tunnels I have chiseled in the ocean of the Universal Mind.  If you send some string cheese back through the vortex, I vow to eat it in the proper Slowjamastanian manner in deference to the respect I feel for your people and your culture.  

Yours truly,
Pablo Smog