Doctors of Stupidity

By Nathan Payne | pablosmoglives | 13 Sep 2023

"A PhD candidate must submit a project, thesis, or dissertation
often consisting of a body of original academic research,
which is in principle worthy of publication in
a peer-reviewed journal."

"An StD candidate must subjugate an original thought, concept,
or idea to a panel of autocratic mid-wits who possess
the self-awareness of a turnip."


I've heard it said that higher education is the process of learning more and more about less and less.  Your field of study narrows to a laser point, but your knowledge of that field is extensive.  I took a math class in college in which there were 4 or 5 pages of notes on the first day.  All of the symbols were incomprehensible, like an American presidential speech, or the workings of the female mind.  The professor told us, if this isn't review for you, drop this class now.  I dropped the class as immediately as possible, and went back to my English studies. 

I wasn't post-grad material, and bombed my GREs, fortunately.  I had no business in grad school, and instead decided to pursue a doctorate in stupidity, or StD, as it is known in unprofessional half-circles.

When you get to the level of the PhD, you have achieved expertise in a narrow field of interest.  In contrast, in order to earn your StD and become a Doctor of Stupidity, you have to come to a place of complete and total personal stupidity.  It can be an overwhelming nightmare, realizing that "your" an idiot.  Fortunately (or not), the self-awareness required to experience the fundamental medical reality of the nightmare is completely non-existent, and the StD is able to lead a blissful, if easily manipulated and ultimately destructive, life.

A Doctor of Stupidity knows both everything about nothing, and nothing about everything.  He or she is remarkably stupid and incoherent about a wide variety of topics.  Talking to an StD can be a stroke-inducing experience; since the blood must thicken and slow its progress through the congested inner city of the heart to a crawl, the exports of original ideas and inspiration to the brain can run behind schedule, and even if some of the bloodcells engage in road rage and break through the confines of the capillaries and veins so they can get to work on time, this is also dangerously bad, since it generally results in a medical emergency for the victim of the conversation.  Temporary blindness, unconsciousness, vomiting, and even death, have been known to occur to people who talk to StDs on a regular basis.

If you are dealing with a victim of StDs, spontaneous recitations of Shakespeare are ill-advised.  The subject is likely to regress, make a pejorative comment about your sexuality, and build walls of willful deafness around your ideas, or the beauty of the words.  It is best to start with something simple.  Iggy Pop's version of "Louie Louie" has been known to break through many patients suffering from StDs.

Definitely allow the patient to "rock out," as prescribed by a qualified Rock & Roll physician.  It's good for them.  Too much refinement or nuance is wasted on an StD.  Use the best tool for the job.  And indeed, there a fair amount of socio-political philosophy and commentary contained in the blunt stone object of the recording itself.  Highly recommended.


"There's a fine little girl, she's waitin' for me
But I'm as bent as Dostoevsky
I think about the meaning of my life again
And I have to sing Louie Louie again"
Iggy Pop


The StD will also experience what intellectual economists call "originality inflation," meaning, the price of original ideas becomes more exorbitantly unaffordable every time they are suppressed, rejected, or denied.  When the price of the ideas go up, the cost to transport them from the heart and mind to the moronic backwoods hill people that exist in the StD's outer extremities can become prohibitive.  The inbred thinking to which the StD has become accustomed will increase the likelihood of yet another traffic jam in the bloodstream, and therefore the possibility of a road-rage-induced stroke, caused by a frustrated blood cell of remarkable intelligence and genius.

All this is to say, be very careful which rabbit trails you allow yourself to be drawn into these days.  I watched one mainstream Western war video about the Putin/Kim meeting tonight, and it led to a video about Danny Masterson going to prison, and all of a sudden I'm watching Matt Lauer defend the pharmaceutical industry on the Today show, and some guy passively-aggressively commanding God to change the direction of the smoke on 9/11, while saying "he's not ready to die," minutes before the building collapses on him, apparently indifferent to his indignant desire to indulge in fantasies of immorality indefinitely.

Not the absolute dumbest rabbit trail you could find yourself being sucked into, but one that drains the soul regardless.  I'd seen the 9/11 video before, but the trail wasn't going anywhere.  I found myself listening to some guy who probably wasn't even born until after 9/11, pontificating about the American spirit of unified independence while regurgitating every mainstream talking point about 9/11 that had ever been disseminated.  It was like removing my brain with a pair of hot pliers, and submerging it in a bowl of StDs.  I had to consciously put myself back on the algorithmic narrow path, and focus entirely on Christian videos, to prevent myself from going YouTube crazy.

Tread lightly along the algorithmic broad path, which leadeth to destruction.  And don't skip like a moneydrunk pixie through the halls of the skyscraper of mortal expectations, either.  Even if it's 100 stories tall and made of steel, it might be full of termites.

Or thermite, as the case may be.

Thanks for listening.

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Nathan Payne
Nathan Payne

I am a songwriter and bandleader who travels the world in search of the golden ticket.


Replacing my blog at

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