"Prove there's no evil, and you can go."
The Addiction
Justin X was one of the younger Millennial guys from the Verde Valley in Arizona, when I led a band there in 2015-2016. He was a wreck. Neurotic and insecure, he leaned on my girlfriend for emotional support, and obviously had for many years. They'd known each other since High School. Probably longer. They were the same age, but he called her "mom." He really was a mess. I'm not knocking him. He was a nice guy. My girlfriend went out of her way to lift his spirits.
It didn't work. A few years later, I heard that he killed himself.
(Also available on Rumble)
I was able to record this song for Justin X at a mobile home in Cottonwood, which my girlfriend shared with her mom. It was a real mom and a proxy emotional support mom, living together under one roof. I didn't know him well, but the news that he'd killed himself was tragic. As an historical wreck myself, I sympathize with people who can't deal, and who turn to extreme behaviours to compensate and cope. I always turned to substances. Alcohol and street drugs mostly, back when street drugs meant like, 3 things. I have been a wreck for much of my life, but was only ever harassed by a demon with suicidal ideations one time. It was horrific. But I didn't move on it. I went outside and flailed around like a spaceman in the moonlight, a creature incapable of breathing the toxic, earthly atmosphere. I let the feeling crush me, but I didn't do anything with it. I waited it out.
"You think hell shuts down after a couple years?"
The Addiction
If you're struggling with something similar, please, let me encourage you. Wait it out. Let it kill you, if God allows it, but don't follow through on the suggestion directly. Don't let the demonic ideation tell YOU what to do. Get pissed off that the demon is trying to get you to slit your wrists, or eat a bottle of pills, or blow your brains out. Get mad about it. Stay alive in misery, just to piss it off. All the bad stuff will pass. And even if it doesn't, screw them for trying to get me to kill myself. Yaknow?
Don't worry about tomorrow.
"Guilt doesn't pass with time. It's eternal."
The Addiction
I decided to make the video above using scenes from Abel Ferrara's film The Addiction. There's a copyright restriction that blocks 79% of my YouTube audience from seeing it (including me), but I filed a dispute under Fair Use. Apparently, you can write the copyright owner a little note, so I did. I believe the brilliant dialogue and footage from The Addiction adds a lot to the song, and of course I didn't tell them this (it's understood), but it's okay if the copyright owner disagrees. People are pissed about copyrights, and I think I know why. Not being able to post anything you want anywhere you want is annoying at a basic, administrative level. As it should be. If protecting the intellectual property of a writer, musician, filmmaker, etc, is a source of aggravation, take a look around, and ask yourself if a culture of entitled looters and thieves is really what you want.
The "aggravation" of asking permission is a small price to pay for a culture that enables independent artists to actually make a living. In fact it should only be the beginning. But hopefully the owners will agree that my video is not plagiaristic robbery, and allow it to be made public.
I guess we'll find out. But in the meantime, don't kill yourself.
Thanks for listening.
