Why Are You Still Here, TRAUMA?

By charmingcherry08 | My Story | 1 Oct 2020

Life experiences are sometimes a lesson to us. Life experiences sometimes became memories we treasured. Life experiences are sometimes what makes us who we are right at this moment, and where we are right now. But on the other hand, some experiences caused as the trauma we are still facing now even if it happened years ago. It's like it lies beneath the deepest part of us, waiting to be triggered all over again.


I, myself, asked my mind why am I still having nightmares with the exact situation happened to me years ago? I cannot bare the thought of being in their again. I cannot bare the thought of reliving and fighting with the same situation again. I just can't.

I was sexually harassed before. I am just a 10-year old girl, but I do know what is happening back then. I can understand the differences between actions. I can feel the lines between the touch that I should be getting. I understood what was happening, so I fought back. I cannot scream for help that time. The feeling was like, an invisible hand was covering my mouth. That really happens. You can't scream even if you wanted to. You can't shout for help even if your mind is telling you to. The only reaction I did was to fight back. I used my force to fight and ran.


But, the trauma still haunts me... even these days.


The trauma is still here. I have no idea why, but it gives me chills and it hurts me too much every time I dream of that exact moment. I know that I was brave to fought back. But, what if I didn't? What if my strength wasn't enough that time? What if I could not run that time? What happened to me in their could have me killed and depressed.

The trauma I had was not a joke because it still is in my head. It hides in my head, waiting for its time to be triggered again and cause me anxiety. Why? Why does trauma still haunts me until now? Have I not moved on? No, I did. It happened almost a decade ago, but the memory of it was like it was yesterday. It still scares me. It still freaks the hell out of me. It still gives me goosebumps and all. I want to erase that memory but I know it's not necessary.


Why are you still haunting me, Trauma?

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