Preface: Part of my intent in sharing here is to use this platform as a way to ‘let it all out’ and work towards a sense of healing after losing her. This is my first entry.

Neo-

Let me begin with; I’m sorry.

I don’t know why I allowed myself to lose control in such a way.

This past year has been the most emotionally wrecked, turbulent, and down right hardest for me. In retrospect, I feel that I took those I had by me daily, ie; my parents and family, for granted.  I exploited their vulnerabilities to fill a hole I have inside myself. I was acting out in a self deprecating way to ease my experience of depression and tendency to over analyze everything with repetitive, ruminating thoughts of the past, my shortcomings, failures, and my lack of being good enough.

As you said, we’re getting older and being late bloomers, we’re both always playing catch-up. For me, knowing this wasn’t motivation for change, it was reminders of why I was in the position I was in life. This exacerbated the depression and my reaction to it.

You’re well aware of the deep feelings I have for you. These feelings have overwhelmed me for many, many years. There was a time that I was able to repress them and function normally, albeit in my own way. But when you came back into my life, it felt like something, some energy, some power, had finally opened the door to the room where my missing piece was hiding. I had my friend back. You had been put back into my life for a reason. That spark inside returned. The light that made me whole, You, was shining again.

I know you have a myriad of things going on in your life, raising your children, dealing with Jon, to your struggles to cope with the loss of Sekhia and the heavy burden that placed on your heart. I know, when you would disappear for stretches, that was only your way of dealing and coping with everything on your shoulders and you weren’t intending to hurt me personally. Regardless, no matter how how much I knew that to be true, my brain wouldn’t allow me to accept that and be free of relentlessly mulling from your absence. It was like I’d lost you all over again and I wasn’t ready for it. Around that time I began the cycle of destructive behaviors that’s led to this hell of depression that I’m struggling with now.

I’ve told you this already. But the day you opened up to me and proposed what you had been thinking about between us, all of that was wiped out of my mind and I changed inside. I was literally transformed. I was happy in a way I have never been. Touching you, holding you, tasting you, feeling you, having You, was so much more than I had ever imagined. There isn’t a word in the English language to describe the state I was in.

When you balked, every terrible emotion I thought I’d never relive came back like a vengeful tsunami on a path of retribution. It’s the darkest place I’ve ever experienced. It was, until that final message you sent me. I cried for weeks and still cry today over it. Your words carved my being from my body and discarded it like a butcher trims a steak. I never expected that. And I’m still trying to heal from it.

I don’t tell all of this to you to be manipulative. I don’t tell you this to paint myself as a victim. I’m telling you this because it’s the truth. My only agenda is to fill this hole in my life with the only thing that was meant to be there; You.

Neo, you and I had something different than we have had with anyone else. I don’t know why, or how, or what it is. But it’s worth me fighting for it. It’s worth me going through all of this pain and turmoil to get you back in my life, to fill that hole, to give me purpose and reason, joy, pride, laughter, peace, and true love. To me, You are those things personified in the most perfect imperfect soul that was placed in front of me. That reason, I feel in my being, is that the individual roads we took to get where we are, were preparing you and I to love each other on a level I can’t put into words.

Neo,

Please.

Please don’t discard me as a mistake and as a waste of years. Please don’t discard what we have. Please don’t discard Us.

Please. I need you.

Please. I won’t bring you and your family negativity. I’m not going to place any burdens onto you. You enrich my life. You bring me joy, happiness. You make me content. I only want to do the same for you.

Neo-

I need my friend. I need You.

Me