22-09-21

In an attempt to empty my mind I shall let words flow out of me. I want to judge not, and just see what comes out. I a a whiteness of creation not an actor in this play. A sip of mate tea and I start on this strange journey of mine…

Lately I have not been feeling myself, ever since I got to Australia I’ve been working non stop, every night and day. To get those damn papers that would allow me to stay. In doing so I have met anger, fear and regret. I have also made friends with joy and the love of hard work. In short it has been a complete success.

I’ve been fortunate enough to have people by my side who understood what I was going through and gave me time, patience and support… otherwise I simply put, would not have had a chance in hell to make this work. This fills me with a loving feeling that few things could ever erase!

However, since the lockdowns began I’ve lost my way… my only source of income got erased in one swift whop. And replaced by a government weekly check. For the first time in over 5 years I’ve been forced to stop everything I was doing, and had time to just sit with myself, this has been quite an interesting experience indeed!

The first thing I noticed is just how tired I was… of everything. While constantly on the run I had no chance to realise this, and I was slowly going mad. Even now, after months without going out to busk, my throat still hurts when I talk, and my finger still hurts from the strings of my guitar. I feel empty, and my urge to create has faded away. I can’t seem to be able to focus on something enough to bring it to fruition, and everything I try to emerge crumbles into dust. My mind wanders off and my attention cannot follow… I’m taking naps, which I never used to be able to… and it actually feels nice.

I thought best to give myself time to recharge, in hopes that after a while I could start things up again. But I’m starting to feel this won’t be the case. Truth be told, the life I was living was less than ideal for me. I liked the fighting uphill feeling and the sense that I was in charge of my own destiny following my dreams. But one cannot live like this. It is especially hard for the ones around you… I sacrificed too much time that didn’t belong to me, but rather to my family, friends, and loved ones.

Since I was in Argentina I put my art in front of everything and I missed so many chances of spending moments with people I might not see again… here in Australia all my friends were on different kinds of visas and all left by now… I could have had more adventures with them… more memories, but I was too lost in myself.

It seems that in order to make something work in the virtual world you need to expend all your time and energy, I guess it is no wonder how many of the people who succeed in this realm have no families. I don’t believe it is necessary to renounce happiness in order to succeed, but it does seem to be a factor. I can no longer make this trade… but maybe this is just my mind… looking for an excuse to give up.

If so… let it be… If in the deepest of my heart I just want to quit then I do not need an excuse for it. But what then? What lies on the other side?

A 9 to 5?… talking about the weather? No longer drawing pretty pictures and singing lullabies all day long?

The life of quiet desperation that Theroux warned us about?

I do not know…

Is it possible to find middle ground? Is there something in between the two extremes? Can I be happy and share that feeling to the world?

The whole social media landscape got me tired… I barely use it at all… I don’t care much for it… but I do recognise the power it has. To communicate and connect to the entire world!

Yet, it seems to bring out the worst in us, a noisy place where everyone screams at each other and fights for attention… It is not my scene at all.

But how can these tools be leveraged in service of a higher good? Can it be done? Or is it just the dreams of an old fool?

I’m still looking for these answers, I haven’t yet made up my mind. For now I recognise a few things… No one seems to enjoy my music, not to the point where it proves worth spending money having the up on places like Spotify. Most of the songs I wrote were for my girlfriend and she loves them to the point of tears. I wrote a song for my sisters wedding (which I could not attend due to lockdowns) I saw the video where she heard it for the first time… that reaction… that feeling… that memory… is something that could never be replicated, I could never write something that someone who doesn’t know me would appreciate that much.

The same goes for the stories I write, the books I illustrate… I am not a commercial artist, I can’t twist my hand to do it even if my life depended on it… so why try?

I made a simple book to a friend who saved my life… by being there when I needed it the most. He cried when he got it and read it for the first time… he is not the emotional kind so I was really shocked! 

No one else could feel what he did, having something special made just for you… no amount of money could pay for that, you can’t buy it. Even if you did, it wouldn’t be the same. That is what I want to do… I guess it is clear now… writing does help :)

I am done!

I can no longer function in this social media world, I can no longer subject myself to it’s ways… I am no longer seeking to become an artist of renown and will dedicate my life to make work from the heart that makes me proud… and will no longer ask for a dime… I can no longer play this silly game.

The question now remains… is quitting in protest the right move? Or still use the social media to show my work, with no expectations, adding crumbs to change the tide. Is silence the best response?

I don’t know to be honest… After all this rambling I’m still pretty much in the same spot. Maybe closing everything down would be the best call. But my thinking mind warns me of opportunity costs… it says to me, “hold on! … just make the art you love and share it… who knows? Some people might like it… and if enough do… maybe something can be born out of it!”

But I’m afraid that is just a slippery slope to get myself tangled up again… maybe a clean cut would be best… Though there seems to be such progress done in this world, especially now with crypto in the mix… it is exciting in a way… but exhausting to say the least.

For now I won’t make any rash choices and continue to show what I do… but I’ll keep a close eye on how I’m feeling and as soon as it becomes too much to bear I’ll be out the door. All I want is a simple life, to do what I love and share my time with those around me… if all this helps me in doing that great! If it doesn’t… then what is the point?