Call Me Emotional, But...

.    These last two days I've found myself craving solitude, deep thinking, introspection & reflection. 

     My whole life through the lens of society, the expectations placed upon me through the world, my family & friends, lead me to developing this awful view of myself. Low self esteem, zero self worth, looking within the mirror to find absolutely every flaw I could. 

     Be yourself, be yourself they say. Yet when the world tells us to "be ourselves", 99% of the time, the people who speak this to us, rarely ever mean it authentically. 

     We as people, especially women, hear these words, yet see the way the same exact people treat us, others & even themselves. Giving us the perspective that it's all just sweet talk, meant to make us feel warm in a moment however it always leaves us feeling empty in the long term.

      The constant distractions, advertisements, over stimulation, standards, expectations being thrown at us from every angle. Not a moment to even breathe. It's no wonder the majority of us don't even know ourselves. 

     I've always presented myself as someone who just didn't care what other people thought of me, the way I was viewed or if people even liked me. But I did. I did care when people would stare at me, make comments on my body, my life, my choices, my ethics, values & morals. It tore me apart from deep within. I buried these feelings so far down that my expression to others became cold. 

     These past couple of days I've found content, material, works of art etc. That have began to dig out what I had buried deep within my very core. Emotions began piling up as everything around me began to switch views. 

     It's not wrong to care, it's not taboo to feel. Where society has gone oh so wrong, is we are trained from birth to care about everyone else but ourselves. Not even in the way that matters. Not in the aspect of kindness, care, empathy, yet to care if the world sees us as worthy. 

     No matter if this training came from our parents, our family, our friends, our bosses even strangers on the street. It's so embedded within our culture to do whatever possible to have even the most random of persons who passes by our lives to see us as valuable. 

     When at the end of the day, we were born into this world as one, as whole. The only person who will ever be there for us from day 1 until the end, who will witness our lives entirely. Is ourselves. To care is important, but we should care about ourselves instead. 

     My whole life I have been seen as strange, odd, peculiar. I've been called every name in the book. I've never been one to follow what's popular, to pick up on trends, I've always taken deep pride in the fact that I liked what I liked, I didn't care to participate in what would make me popular or seen as a cool person to others. 

     Though I have always held that pride for going my own way in life, behind it was this heavy feeling of guilt, of shame. I would ask myself why I wasn't thin, why wasn't I good at what other people my age were good at, why couldn't I just enjoy what was easy like everybody else. Why must I be so set on defying what others wanted for me. Because I was burdened with guilt. Because I placed my value and worth on what others saw of me. 

      I may have been the confident outcast, but walking the halls was still a ghost. As I grew older, began working, I found myself hiding, keeping things to myself, altering things about myself physically because I just wanted to fit it. Or so I thought. What I really wanted was to feel seen. 

     This whole time, I never had to feel guilty, ashamed, burdened by the judgements of others. I didn't need the people around me to see me, I needed to see myself. I didn't need the approval of someone else, I needed my own approval. 

     I'm tall for a girl, I have body fat, I have wild untamable curly hair, I curse like a sailor, I'm crazy kind, also downright looney! I enjoy being an introvert. I thrive in solitude, in the time I spend with myself looking inwards, in creativity, in creating magical things. I like the odd & peculiar things in this world, I find beauty in what others deem taboo, now I see my odd, weird peculiar self & I'm noticing the beauty of myself. 

     Yes I'm sick, yes I have limitations, no matter what people tell me about my situation in life due to my health, I will no longer place my worth on society's expectations of productivity, of hustle culture, of income status on myself ever again. 

     Money, body shape & size, beauty standards, assets. All of it is worthless. Money comes & goes, jobs aren't bulletproof, our bodies change throughout time as we age. Who we are on the inside, how we make people feel, is the constant that stays, is unbreakable, is lasting worth & never changing value. 

     Look within, say kind words to yourself that you always wanted to hear and don't ask anyone for permission on if you're worth their definition. Do what makes you genuinely happy, eat the food you've been craving, sleep in when you're tired on the weekend, wear the bathing suit, the lavish outfit to the grocery store. Take up space, be kind to yourself and to the world around you. Learn who you are, try the things you always wanted to, don't hide yourself, don't minimize yourself to attempt to squeeze into someone else's box. 

     If society insists on putting us in boxes, on labeling us, categorizing us. May we all build our own boxes, may we decorate them how we see fit. May we label ourselves instead of taking on the labels we're given, may we create & define our own unique category in this insane world. 

     You're worthy, I'm worthy. You're valued, I'm valued. You're loved, I'm loved. Moving forward let's show the world who we truly are. To live an authentic life, means a life without regretting what could have been.