Every journey starts with a single step...

and a single step isn't so hard, is it?

Taking our first step

Hi and welcome.

I think at some point or other in life we all go through hard times. How our brains react to these experiences is affected by a number of internal and external factors. I've been through a lot in the last 10+ years of life, good and bad, and I hope to share some of the (maybe) wisdom I have picked up along the way since it might apply to someone else too.

But without knowing who I am what reason do you have to believe anything I say?

So I figured I would start out here with a quick introduction of who I am, who I'm not, what my aims are with writing Small Steps, and some of the things I want to stay away from too.

Who I am

Most people would start an introduction by saying something along the lines of "I'm a web and software developer".... but that is not who I am. That just tells you what my job is/was for the last 10 years. But it really doesn't define me.

But I AM a guy in his early 40's who most people think looks early 30's. I feel younger, more like 25, most of the time. I lived in Australia, but I moved to Ukraine in 2019 to experience something new. I love to travel, but I hate doing it alone, and right now I am very much alone with very few local friends.

I generally make easier and deeper friendships with women than with men - I attribute that to some events in my childhood/early teens that involved regular betrayals from male peers. I think because of this I was not the kind of person who knew how to be a good friend to anyone for a very long time, but now I am changing that.

I was married until a few years ago. Right now I am single, but I hope to change that soon. Dating apps are one of the worst things ever created, but with knowing almost nobody in my new home and the language barrier, they are my only option to meet someone so I struggle on.

I enjoy creative hobbies of all kinds - photography, playing music, art, craft, and painting, although I was never much good at drawing.

I love horror, sci-fi, post-apocalyptic, and anything that leaves you thinking about it long after you finish. That goes for books, movies, TV, etc. I'm not really into romantic comedy or drama, but occasionally some of them will win me over.

In music I love heavy metal most of all. But I also listen to a lot of other music like pop, rap, and electronic. When people ask me about my music tastes I usually say something about how my CD collection includes everything from Spice Girls to Cannibal Corpse.

I'm scared of swimming in deep ocean waters because of a fear of sea monsters (yep, true!!).

Who I'm not

I'm definitely not a professional in the mental health field, so my words should never be taken as some definitive source that will help you or someone you know to work through their own problems. I'm just a guy who has had problems of my own, relating the methods and concepts that have helped me in certain circumstances. I have also done my best to help some friends, especially recently, and seem to do an alright job of it, but again I am not trained in any way so please don't expect or ask for expert advice because at best I can give a "this worked for me" answer.

I'm also not "cured". I still have mental health issues due to life situations that I am continually managing. Evidence suggests that depression changes your brain chemistry to be more susceptible to further depressive episodes, so I don't think anybody can ever truly be "cured". But you can learn to adapt and manage these issues to minimize their effects on your day to day life.

I'm not actively seeking professional help for my problems right now. I have at some points in the past to deal with specific problems. I definitely do not condone or recommend my course of action (or inaction) for other people. If you have issues, please seek professional help, especially if you ever have thoughts about harming yourself or somebody else! My experiences over the past few years have given me a solid grasp of my limits and now that I have been past the point of needing to ask for help and have come back from it, I believe I would know if/when I need to seek help again in the future.

So why talk about it here?

I have been through a lot of stuff in my life, some of it good, some of it bad. Love, marriage, success, houses, the deaths of family and friends, a little too much success, losing sense of self and identity, losing friendships, failure, finding new friendships, lack of motivation, separation & divorce, job & career changes, years slipping away like months, moving internationally, burnout, and quite a few other things too. Along the way I have learnt a lot about myself and about humans in general, about how we can cope with and heal from traumas big and small.

My hopes here are to communicate the methods that have or haven't worked for me so that the information might benefit others too. Some of my ramblings may even help someone by acting as an early warning for themselves or the people with whom they are close.

Also the stigma around discussing mental health issues is just so horrible, especially amongst men. The reality is that the more you talk about these things the better you are likely to feel, and the more the people you talk to will feel comfortable talking about it too. So I like to think that by saying something here, maybe I will help someone feel more comfortable talking about their problems too.

The other reason is that I am definitely not perfect, I forget these things in the moment sometimes too, so reminding and further reinforcing these ideas to myself can only be a good thing for my continued mental health.

What I don't want for Small Steps

First of all I am not looking for sympathy, that is the furthest thing from my mind in writing what I will write. Any situations I relate are purely to educate others on what I did right, wrong, or in-between, and how I coped or did not cope with those situations. What was can't be changed and it is all a formative part of who I am at this moment - I can't go back and change it, and probably wouldn't anyway!

I am not interested in "you should see a therapist" recommendations. As I mentioned above it is an intentional decision on my part not to seek professional help at this point in time, so please, just don't say it.

I am also not interested in "you should try drug X" recommendations (whether legal or illegal). Not interested, thanks but no thanks. I have used drugs recreationally in the past, and only rarely to excess. Right now in my life I choose to use alcohol as a tool for creativity and celebration, but otherwise the only chemical changes I subject my body to are through the foods I choose to eat or avoid.

I also want to avoid getting overly scientific, that isn't the purpose here. I'm going to stick just to discussion and explanation of what worked or didn't work for me. I will touch on the science if it is useful, but I won't go too far down that rabbit hole. You can research further into the why of things by yourself if it is actually of interest to you.

And what about the name??

Well, there is the old quote about every journey starting with one small step.

While that quote is a great little reminder that you should try to not be afraid of starting something because the whole seems too big, the thing the quote misses is that every piece of the journey, not just the first, is a small step. Sometimes they get harder, sometimes they get easier, sometimes they are just different.

In a journey like your mental health, large steps don't often work. You can try them, but more than likely you will overextend, and feel worse for it afterwards. You aren't magically going to wake up one morning and get past something that has bothered you for years, or change a lifetime habit a few days after deciding to change it. But if you break the problem down into smaller, bite-size goals then you definitely can do it.

So "Small Steps" kinda stuck with me, because that is what I have mostly been doing for a couple of years now.

Coming soon to Small Steps

Next time around I will discuss what I consider to be the four key aspects of balancing mental health that have worked for me. Some of them are things you might not expect. I will go into further detail on each of these aspects soon too.

Occasionally I will take some little side-paths to talk about related topics as they come to me. I have a few in mind already that I will fit in when I can.

I'm not going to make any promises on how often I will write, sometimes I am busy just getting through my week. But I will try to not leave it too long.

So, put on your boots, and let's go for a walk. I can't guarantee it will be easy, but there will good company along the way.