Well it’s been a while—as a family living life on the road there are plenty of challenges, and excuses, and so, putting thoughts down, 2 fingers at a time on a keyboard, is the first thing to take a back seat. I’ve begun to steer myself back on course, though. Yesterday morning it was back into my ‘every other day’ exercise routine—at 5.30am, doing a workout, outside in the open air with icy-cold, steel kettle-bells, at a ‘feels like’ temperature of 0.5 celsius, takes some commitment. And this morning, fuelled by instant coffee, sees me getting back into some writing. If, being a coffee snob, this is where you turn your nose, well, go and…have the day you deserve. My persistent insecurities insist that I share the fact that I do have a moka pot, which I absolutely love, however, living out our days travelling Australia in a caravan, with young children, simply means that the luxury of moka pot coffee is only enjoyed at times of convenience. But the fact is, I’m addicted to coffee, so more often than not, it’s instant coffee. The break has given me time to reflect on the goings on of this midlife Dad and, more so, learning to accept that right here, right now, is where I’m supposed to be, and it’s perfect. More to the point, regardless of how and why I got here, the fact remains, I am here and, perfect or not, this is it. To begin to accept that, I find it pertinent that I continue to bang on more about how I arrived here. 

The status quo seems to be this: you meet someone, it gets serious, perhaps you get married, maybe you don’t, either way you decide to have kids, and by the time they’ve been brought forth into the world you’re likely in your mid to late 20’s or early 30’s. Soon enough the kids are well into their teens, getting their driver’s licence and becoming more and more independent, by which point you’re into your 40’s. The hope or, most likely, the assumption, is that the relationship you have with your partner just works out, and is a strong and healthy one. Understanding that it takes a lot of hard work and effort, it’s a pretty cool thing if you’ve made it work the first time around. Sometimes, though, it simply falls apart, and you see yourself either persevering and clinging on, maybe through fear of being worse off, or of the unknown, or feeling trapped, or, perhaps the relationship is done and, however you get there, it’s over and you part ways. 

Parking specifics, when you’re in your 40’s you’re likely done with kids—you’ve worked hard, or at least been fortuitous enough to be able to steer yourself toward a more leisurely life. Or, it’s gone the other way and now it’s all you can do to not worry yourself into a spate of anxiety over how your later years are going to pan out. Either way, your days of rearing young kids are behind you and, whilst the older kids might still need support, in whatever form, they’re largely on their own, particularly as you head toward 50. And good thing, too—you’re now middle aged, near to at least, getting older, more tired, and probably grumpier. If you can relate to any of that, you might be scratching your head as to why any (self-proclaimed) mentally healthy person would even consider having kids at middle age. 

I was in my early 40’s when I met Alicia and, being younger than me, kids were always going to be a part of her future plans, so when our relationship had reached the point of knowing that we really had something going, we discussed kids. One might assume that every couple has this discussion early in a relationship, but it’s not always the case, particularly when you’re young. I think, when you’re young and a relationship develops organically, it’s fair to say that it’s perhaps just assumed that one day you’ll start a family, as was the case for me. I was edging toward my late 20’s when my partner, at the time, caught me off guard by casually dropping that she didn’t want kids. Long story a little shorter, we ended up having a daughter, now in her early 20’s. As far as I know, the decision wasn’t made to keep me happy, rather, because she eventually came to some realisation that the reason we’re all here, alive, simply comes down to an organism’s need, or drive, to procreate—that’s my take on her words. And not at all in any religious context either, but closer to a cold, science-logic viewpoint. 

Being that little bit older this time around it was important that a conversation around children occurred sooner, rather than later. I was near 45 years old and, already a father to one daughter, then 15 years old, there was a part of me that was hopeful that Alicia didn’t want kids—an idea that was quickly put to rest as I’m being told that, not only are kids on the horizon, they’re an essential part of any future plan. So, I made the choice to start a new life in my mid-40’s, with an understanding that it will include more kids. A key word there is, choice—relationships are difficult, as is raising kids, and when the waters of the family unit get a bit choppy I’d do well to remind myself that it’s through those choices that I find myself here. Easier said than done during the moment. 

It might sound like I had kids in order to ‘keep the girl’. I suppose, in a sense, that’s at least partly true—I’d met someone who I thought to be truly amazing, and an outright no from me would mean our relationship had a definite expiry date, so it was something that needed careful consideration. And in any case, it stood true that my only hesitation in having more kids was my age. No, this wasn’t about agreeing to have kids for fear of losing someone. This was about choosing to take hold of an opportunity to create something incredible with someone magnificently wonderful and, along the way, challenging my own thoughts on what the path to a life of meaning and fulfilment looks like. More on that later. 

Feel free to leave a comment, or share some advice, be it about family and kids, or just being a better writer..