This was me aged 19... If I could go back in time and give myself one piece of advice, it would have been pointless really because I doubt I would have listened 😊. But it might have been something along the lines of; know your own worth. Understand that other's can see it and also can see that you don't. That leaves you wide open. Knowledge is power, yada, yada, yada. But really, that is part of the process of growing up. Of accepting and fully appreciating who you are. Of working with that and Of owning your ship. I didn't own my ship back then. I had emotional and physical energy to burn and burn it I did. Myself and anyone too close to me at points too. I was a raging ball of insatiable fire on the outside and a half drowned, motherless kitten on the inside. This is a rare picture that shows the vulnerable side from those years.

Scoot forward, some 25 years later. This lady has seen some shit. Been through some shit. Survived and knows her instinct is strong.

Knows her ability to work hard (whether that's emotionally, academically, like a worker bee for cash or just practically - to balance all the bowls on chopsticks) means that she can and will cope with most things life throws her way. This woman is a far cry from that young lady in picture 1; not quite a girl anymore but not feeling like a woman either really. But there are many things that have not changed too. I still feel things so deeply I could weep or become slightly manic and overly excitable. I still talk to myself and answer back and believe this is normal (this, as frequent engagers may have gathered is my writing style 😊). I still feel weak and vulnerable sometimes, although I suppose the difference is I handle it better. Ie I now don't feel a need to ensure I'm constantly drunk/off my face/somehow living on the edge, as a way to hide from that feeling. I know what it is, allow myself to wallow for a bit and then move on, with a revised plan if needs be.

I got into a brief relationship about 3.5 years ago with a guy I'd known back then. We'd not seen each other for 20 years. One of the big issues was that not only could he not stop viewing me as that 'hot mess' of a 'girl' I was back then; viewing me as that and accordingly treating me like a child that needed guidance (backseat driving EVERY aspect of my life until it became suffocating), but he actively wanted to/needed to view me that way. That was the me he was 'in love' with. He wanted me to need his guidance. He wanted to 'save me'. He didn't actually want, or need the woman I had become/was becoming/am still becoming. Because she did things like say "no, your jealousy is NOT my problem" OR quite simply, "I don't agree". He wanted the excitement of that ball of fire, yet also felt a burning attraction to the motherless kitten, who needed so desperately to be loved, that she would acquiesce at every edge and point.

My point here being (no, we didn't last very long BTW) that THAT girl...she courted disaster and drama after drama. And that is what she attracted; damage seeks damage as they say. It was like a snowball effect for many years. THIS woman...Well, I'm sure there will be more dramas to come, in a variety of guises, but she is so much better at recognising them, avoiding them, ending them and moving on. Because she is gaining a sense of her own worth.

On reflection, there is absolutely nothing I can or should say to my younger self, to that slightly vulnerable 19 year old because... I am precisely the woman I am today because of her. What I should do is just hug her and say thank you. And maybe, hold on ❤️