My eldest daughter will be 12 tomorrow...we had a sleepover party last night which was stupid amounts of fun but very tiring and now my house is trashed. But tomorrow I think it's gonna just be me & girls... I'm very much looking forward to us just chilling...

I often write something on the eve of my children's birthdays, reminiscing on their births or little anecdotes from their lives, little virtue signalling stories that signpost me as a caring, attentive and engaged mama :-) which is fine, I feel I fucking deserve to virtue signal in that respect, I put my back into being a good parent and no, don't do it for rewards, which is just as well, cos the rewards are not even tangible let alone gift wrapped...  But no, this year I want to dissect something altogether darker...

I read a post the other day that said that #BillieEilish had turned 18 and that on the day she did, on pornhub, Billie Eilish was the most searched item... and that evidently there are way more men with paedophile tendancies out there than we first thought...

There were a variety of reactions to this post...many from guys saying, it's got nothing to do with paedophile culture, that she is 18, it's legal, totally missing the point that evidently lots of men have been fantasising over her nubile little body for years, waiting for her to be...barely legal...

Apparently, men who are attracted to girls who are post pubescent but still under 16 are not paedophiles but hebophiles and it is actually quite prevalent. I suppose it ties in with the ideas we have in society about the inherent eroticism of men being sexually and generally dominant over women. The big strong man/waif femme ideal. The preoccupation in porn of dancing on the line of consent, both with age and levels of force used. The way it is seen as 'unfeminine' for women to be assertive or in control. Women are virtually encouraged to maintain a prepubescent look about themselves... Hairless pussies, be skinny, even a lot of the fashions I see with make up, aiming to accentuate big, round, doll (child) like eyes, the sexy school girl outfits, the finger in wet pouty mouth pose, innocence with an edge of out of control daring...

Basically, we live in a society that sexualises women being a bit vulnerable and needy and submissive and naïve. And the perfect embodiment of those character traits is an under age girl. So therefore no, it is not shocking we are living amidst a paedo culture currently...

When I turned 18, an uncle of mine said to me at the joint party I had with his brother, who also turned 40 within that same week, that he had been watching me since I was 12 and wanted me to move into a flat he had in London... He said this to me whilst I was in the outdoor toilet trying to hide the fact I was being sick cos I'd drunk too much. It was fucking creepy to say the least but I don't think I realised quite how creepy until many years later  I remember telling my mum who seemed deeply uncomfortable but did nothing really and I just forgot about it, didn't go to any family parties for a few years... Looking back at that now, with a 12 year old daughter myself and seeing how a) men might see her and b) how vulnerable she is, I feel utterly enraged with dodgy uncle P... I think my mum, like many folks from that generation was just glad nothing bad happened and didn't want to 'make a fuss' but really,  what he expressed was not only a tendancy towards an abusive nature (his wife was a woman he'd bought over from Thailand, just saying)  but also a prelidiction towards sexualising children... No, he didn't try to touch me as a child but yes, I always felt deeply uncomfortable around him, the way he looked at me... perhaps he just never got the opportunity...it makes me wonder about my other cousins too...

I also had a crush on a journalist at my local radio station when I was 14... I went there for work experience through my school. He now works for the BBC, on Storyville last time I checked. He was very aware of my crush and did nothing to dampen down the flames...the opposite in fact .. when I turned 16 we began a sexual affair...in my mind, entirely consensual but really when someone is waiting for you to become legal, it is less to do with your safety, more to do with theirs, IE them not getting into trouble with the police...and that is exactly what the whole waiting to publicly objectify Billie Eillish on PornHub was about...nobody wants it traced back to them that they were searching for sexual images of a minor...hence the moment she is legal, reams of them search her up.

It makes me feel a bit sick and pretty worried too...like I need to have eyes in the back of my head... My daughter is beautiful but that has nothing to do with anything... In these next few years she will be, in the minds of seemingly more men than any of us initially imagined, sexy jail bait...an emergent sexuality needing to be broken open...an object for their fucked up base sexuality that is more in line with a form of psychosis than sexuality really. Fortunately I have a great dialogue with her and we talk, IE leaving less room for a paedophile or hebophile to groom her in secrecy. Obviously, vigilance is always the best foot forward but I know I was probably more of a target than either of my daughters in the sense that I not only had a troublesome childhood that left me vulnerable & needy but i also didn't have any open dialogue with my folks at all. It's what made it so easy for the journalist when I was 14 to groom me in the way he did because I actually confided in him about my problems at home, so he knew I wouldn't have anyone to discuss my feelings with ..my feelings and his inappropriate comments and later actions.

In many ways, it's a shit thing to write about on the eve of my first born child's birthday. I should be celebrating her life and the amazingly powerful and Beautiful young lady I see unravelling before my eyes. But that stuff is innate almost. I live & breathe my love for and adoration of her... This stuff though, the reality of the #paedophileculture we live in, is so relevant, to ALL of us. We need to all be aware of how we prop up & support it, whether that is playing the reluctant ingénue for our male partners cos we know simpering, innocent submission gets him off or routinely shaving our pussies cos men expect it or if as a man you don't value confidence in a woman as much as in a man or get turned on by sexy schoolgirl looks... We all need to address how we play into it cos ultimately we do live in a culture that supports & maintains paedophilia...