Art, philosophy and politics....


 

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Another amazing piece by Johan Deckmann, whose art I looked at in a previous post ... it reminds me of going through the break up with the father of my youngest daughter. I left him because...I loved him dearly and he let me down...he expected me to do too much and didn't give enough back. I worked (outside of the home) doing more hours than he, was doing my degree (open university) too, and also doing far more than my fair share of housework, childcare (including breastfeeding, which I continued for 4 years) and also working out the family budget. He agreed that I did more, that he wasn't doing enough but never lived up to his promises or found it impossible to try harder. This is not about virtue signalling, it's about setting the scene of why I left him. I felt unsupported and therefore unloved. And as a feminist, I could not reconcile that within myself. It was what my mum and so many other women I know did, out of a desire to have that hallowed family unit and be secure, be in a relationship, keep the family together. I loved him very much and also didn't want to be a single mother with 2 kids but my principles and my sense of self worth would not allow me to give up on myself just to be 'loved' by someone else, to keep up appearances... Or to live the lie of pretending that this was love... Because surely love would not ignore my needs and allow me to work myself into the ground whilst they refused to meet me half way and share the strain. Interestingly though, many many people felt that 4 years (the length of time it took from me falling pregnant to me leaving) was not enough time to give him...that it just takes men a bit longer ...that I should be more patient and forgiving and...lessen my expectations...cut him some more slack, meanwhile I was breaking at the seams...in some ways I felt like a failed woman because I couldn't stand it, couldn't be loving and giving and traditionally 'feminine' enough to understand my role and place. I think in the end, the fact that I didn't hold my tongue, keep smiling like the doe eyed needy woman of days gone by and was evidently pissed off with his slackness, meant that when I finally did leave him, he just accepted it... I think he was just waiting for me to leave because he didn't feel strong enough to be the one to end it but really, on top of doing more than my fair share, he also needed me to be congenial and accepting... Your classic, old school woman, accepting her lot graciously. And because I couldn't be that, couldn't lie, with a smile and open thighs he also fell out of love with me...

It's not a sad ending though ... We are now both much happier without each other and get on really well. Have managed to co parent our daughter effectively and she is very happy. Both my daughters are. We just were not meant to be together and really having a child with someone is a huge test for any relationship. Ours just wasn't strong enough...I still care for him, for both the fathers of my children, deeply, despite them not doing right by me (both in different ways) but they are good fathers and what's the point in holding on to anger that has no purpose?

The moral to this story is that no, no matter what the cost and the stakes, living close to your truth weighs so much more than having a standard, settled easy life, of living an attractive lie. Being true to yourself has a cost attached, of course, but also a prize. The prize of self worth and growth...

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(S)llew la Wulf
(S)llew la Wulf

Yet another artist screaming (colourfully) into the void. I like to dance. I write. I do self portraiture and i draw... I cover topics ranging from racial bias to female sexuality to capitalism to rape culture and of course, love ❤️


Llewella_la_femme
Llewella_la_femme

Some of my more political writing and art...

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