RELATIONAL IDENTITY BLUES

That moment when you

See, how your freedom threatens

Others sense of self

(A haiku)

Or put another, less poetic way, why do some people only feel strong in themselves if they believe themselves to be better (stronger, purer, richer, wiser, more beautiful, more worthy) than someone else? And attempt to belittle and crush the spirit of those who refuse to take the bait of their self importance. Those whose own sense of self is a threat to theirs because feeling superior is how they've been bought up (socially) to feel safe. And feeling superior requires an individual or a group of people who are inherently inferior.

As a working class, educated woman of colour, I have had this my whole life and it's definitely become a part of my persona. That which some may refer to as 'haughty' or even 'uppity' :-) Folk from all walks of life wanting, needing, expecting me to somehow defer to them. Believing somewhere deep down that they 'out rank' me because of my colour, shade of skin, gender, socioeconomic status, my height (and the fact that I appear younger than I am) or for any old reason they have tucked away. Fact is, when I open my mouth and speak with confidence. When I look people in the eyes and smile, when I sho people that their validation of me means little, that the value they have put upon me does not effect how I view myself, people often react in interesting ways, because you are forcing them to reassess how they view themselves.

Relational identity is the way in which people form their own sense of identity in relation to those around them. So in a crude and basic way, people deciding they are clever because in relation to those in their peer group they get better grades in Maths or beautiful because their physicality is positively commented upon and is not so much with their peers. In short; I am pretty seemingly needs a 'because you are not' to make it valid. Or to make it more valuable.

When I was a young teenager, I thought I was quite fat and ugly. There were many reasons for this, one being my lovely friend Suzanne. I idolised her. She was stunning, tall, model like figure, green eyes, red hair, BOMBSHELL!! She often made jokes about my weight or my looks in general but I took it because I just felt honoured that someone like her wanted to be friends with someone like me. Little did I know she needed me, to make her feel even more beautiful.

We parted ways after not so long and about 10 years later, having gained some confidence and a sense of individuality, I randomly bumped into her in a pub in London. She came striding up to me and just said  'well, your not quite so fat now at least' and proceeded to laugh hysterically.

I felt crestfallen...and no, not because her words hurt me but because I couldn't believe I'd put up with her meanness all those years. Couldn't believe I'd been such a schmuck. My boyfriend who I was with asked who the 'dragon lady' was and all I could bring myself to say was, no one, because that's exactly what she was, no one.

We hooked up a few years ago on Instagram, she was/is an actress...me, an emergent self portrait artist and dancer.  I think a lot of my imagery and expressiveness was perhaps a bit much for her and she unfollowed me within the week.

Basically, I present an image (I hope) of empowerment, of strength, self possession, belief in my right to take up space and love of myself and there are many Suzanne's out there in the world who feel disquieted by that. Who feel there is only room on the stage for either them, or in some circumstances their particular brand of individuality. Of empowerment.

I find this incredibly sad but sad mainly for those who are unable to remove themselves from the trap of defining themselves in relation to how they judge aspects of other people.

I have used notions of perceived attractiveness here as an example but this also works with gender, class, ethnic origin, cultural/religious background. My degree was in English language (grammar, linguistics etc). I also speak in a relatively 'Queens English' fashion, as in I'm clear, my diction is good and I'm articulate/a confident speaker. I can switch register as & when required but I often notice with amusement, the look of discomfort sometimes when it becomes apparent that I have a better command of the English language than say, someone who deep down believes I shouldn't (by simple virtue of me being a brown working class woman and them...not). Just makes the Queen in me rise up more :-) And you men folk, no, you don't escape. One of the ways this kind of relational identity presents with guys is the obvious sexualised way. Men (certain men, not all) being sexually aggressive in the name of (or under the guise of) flirtation. They need me to act coy/surprised/flattered etc etc, in other words like a nice lil lady, grateful for the attentions of a male. So they can in turn feel like a prominent, dominant man. Whipping up that flower from it's bed and taking it, owning that shit... Except, then I open my gob and all hell breaks loose because I tend (nowadays) to either laugh and say summat like, 'are you for fucking real?' or lay in to them in full technicolour glory.

A recent example of this being just a few months ago, when a guy, after making kitty come hither noises at me and saying "here little pussy, lemme make you purr" and me giving him the middle finger, him shouting at me 'go fuck yourself with that finger ya dirty fat bitch, no fucker else will!'

Because, I was supposed to feel intimidated and/or open my legs IMMEDIATELY - not have my own reaction that involved blasély taking the piss out of him and walking off, how is that supposed to make him feel like a man? Haha...back to school boyo...

Basically, when you are free, (I mean the kind of free that you can only possess as an instinct, it has nothing to do with your circumstances bit life situation) people who are trapped by their own desires to be accepted, to be liked, to be validated, will always feel uncomfortable around you, will always attempt to somehow show you that you are not worthy and should really just step aside. Because who you are reminds them of who they are not...