Not too long ago, early this year to be precise, I found myself getting worked up and enraged whenever my girlfriend and I engaged in discussions where we each held opposing views.

And at times — because she’s a smart cookie, that one, and far from a pushover — our disagreement would reach such a crescendo that I would unwittingly resort to launching ad hominem attacks — going after her and creating a hostile atmosphere in a bid to defend my ideas.

Afterward, I would be overcome with guilt and shame because as my temper flared and I launched into a tirade, she would calmly be seated with a look of disappointment and hurt.

This happened often enough that I was forced to ask myself why I felt such a strong urge to defend my ideas whenever they were attacked or criticized, and as a result of my questioning, I became aware of what was at the root of this behavioral flaw.

Ego is the Enemy. Well, an unconscious one is.

Too often, we vehemently defend our beliefs because we become our beliefs.

As we move through life, especially from childhood, our egos pick up sets of beliefs, presuppositions, and ideas that bound together to form an identity.

And when these sets of beliefs are threatened in any way, we often interpret it as an attack against our very self, and we resort to defending said identity by any means necessary.

This is the way of the ego. It rejects anything outside of what it has identified with.

This is why we cling so steadfastly to our ideas. It is as if we’re afraid that our world will come crashing down on us if we dared entertain a conflicting idea.

And while the ego might be a vital necessity, because it is practically impossible to survive in the world without setting up boundaries and prioritizing our information intake, an inflated ego poses a far greater threat to our survival and ability to thrive.

Picture the unconscious ego as a hyper-vigilant guard that is always scanning the horizon and shooting down anything — good or bad — that conflicts with the ego perception of self.

What this means is that we inevitably close off the possibility for new experiences, thereby limiting our chance at growth and change.

It is, for this reason, we must make our egos conscious by separating from the illusion that our opinions and beliefs make us who we are. Only when we come to this realization and detach our true selves from our egos can we wrest control away from the damned thing.

And without a guard keeping watch, we can then entertain conflicting ideas without resorting to defensive behaviors or feeling like our world is about to come crashing down on us.

Become a Perpetual Student.

A true student is like a sponge. Absorbing what goes on around him, filtering it, latching on to what he can hold. A student is self-critical and self-motivated, always trying to improve his understanding so that he can move on to the next topic, the next challenge. A real student is also his own teacher and his own critic. There is no room for ego there — Ryan Holiday.

In his book — Ego is the enemy — writer Ryan Holiday buttresses the utility of developing a student mindset.

Too often, especially when we become more competent in our field, there’s always the growing temptation to feel like we’ve known it all or that we’ve arrived, and there’s nothing left to pay attention to.

However, falling for such temptation ensures that we remain in our comfort zone, exempt from any challenge that might force us to learn and grow or to reconsider and update what knowledge we already possess.

It was Epictetus who correctly deduced, many years ago, that: “It is impossible for a man to learn what he thinks he already knows.”

Holiday, however, provides a solution to counteract this very common pitfall. He encourages us to embrace and foster the humility that accompanies the student mindset.

While an inflated ego shuts us off from further improvement, humility does the exact opposite.

It beats back the arrogance that puffs us up and opens up the possibility of assimilating more truths, thus ensuring that we never stop learning.

He puts it brilliantly, “Humility is what keeps us there, concerned we don’t know enough and that we must continue to study. Ego rushes to the end, rationalizes that patience is for losers (wrongly seeing it as a weakness), and assumes we’re good enough to give our talents a go in the world.”

Many of the greatest thinkers and most influential leaders embody the ability to remain humble to a tee. Socrates, one of the wisest men that ever lived, proclaimed that he knew nothing.

Adopting such a mindset keeps us in a constant state of curiosity about the world we live in, and we inevitably become students of the greatest school —the school of life.

Stop defending your ideas and submit them to criticism instead.

One of the most profound eye-opening insights I’ve ever come across is one from Carl Jung, where he said something along the lines of, “People don’t have ideas. Ideas have people.”

We often think that we’re autonomous beings, completely divorced from any sort of puppeteering, but this is not always the case.

Most of our ideas, in the traditional sense, are beliefs that have been passed down from generation to generation. We’re are often just the tools that further enable the propagation of said ideas.

Our lives’ are basically about stacking up beliefs we’ve been taught against beliefs others have been taught and then judging or ostracizing those who were not brainwashed the same way we were.

To avoid this ludicrousness, however, we must learn how to hold ideas without identifying with them. Keeping your ideas open to criticism and change is one way to do this.

Exposing your ideas to attack not only serves as a bulwark against being owned by your ideas, but it also helps solidify your ideas and makes them stronger.

When I look back, I can see how far I have come from the days when I felt threatened when my ideas were criticized. I still enjoy having discussions, but now I also enjoy having my ideas and opinions questioned and attacked.

Heck, I’d even oftentimes steelman my opponent's points and make them stronger.

And if someone comes along and points out flaws in my argument then that’s great news for me because it means I can now make further progress towards a more complete understanding of the world.

Remember, the goal isn’t to win arguments, but to learn to think more clearly and to get as close to the truth as humanly possible.

Own your ideas, don’t let your ideas own you.