If you have known me for a long time, you will know that I was never the type of person who prays a lot, goes to church or even talk about God openly to people. Everytime anyone from our family or even my friends asked me "Intayo makimisa", I would always cringe my nose and say "Aha. Inkayo. Masadutak." or all the silliest excuses I could make not to go. I was the kind of person who would choose to sleep rather than "waste" my time for a boring service or to play rather than to listen to a religious testimony and roll my eyes all the way. If it happened that you saw me one time in the church during the past years, it was most probably because it was a school requirement, peer pressure or because there was an occasion and the family was required to attend.

It wasn't because I did not believe that God exists, but it was because I never really felt I needed God. I believed more in humanity. I believed that as long as you are not hurting or doing bad to anybody, I will treat you the same way or maybe even better. That as long as I do good to people, I will be okay. I will be happy. I was the kind of gal who only remembered Him and only prayed when my exams were near, or when I remembered something scary and I felt scared that I couldn't sleep or when I was asking for something material.

Maybe I was that way because I was given so much love by my parents, by my friends and other people. I was so-called Ms. Congeniality because I had and still have soooooooo many group of friends. I am saying this because I know people who believes that "You do not need many friends. As long as you have a few people who loves you and are loyal to you, you are already blessed." Well, that is true. I totally agree. But I believe it is also not so bad to have a lot of friends who can be genuinely true to you. I was very happy because I felt I was always needed and wanted by people. I didn't have "enemies" or haters (Maybe I had. But they might have not let me know😂) I am not saying this to brag, but it was how I felt.

Furthermore, I am also the kind of person who works hard for something I believe in. What I want, I always do my best to get it. And all the things wanted and I worked hard for without being close to Him, I got them. I was raised the right way, my family was intact, I graduated and I got hired by the company I wanted to be.

Being loved and always getting what I wanted, I THOUGHT I HAD EVERYTHING I NEEDED AND WANTED. But one day, for no specific reason, I became sooooo sad and frustrated. I was feeling depressed and I couldn't explain why. There was nothing going on in my life that could have made me feel that way. But yeah, it was breaking me mentally and emotionally. I even thought I was losing myself.

And that was the start. I confessed what I was going through to a person close to me and whom I know has a strong relationship with God, and he invited me to their church. Since then I got closer to his wife and got to know people from the same church. It might be exaggerated, but I think they saved me from self-desctruction.😅

To tell you honestly, it wasn't easy for me to accept God. I didn't give in the first day I joined them on their Sunday service and I was so overwhelmed by how those people in that church could be that faithful, that intimate with God, that submissive or I don't know how to describe it. But I wasn't used to be around people like them.

On the night I acknowledged and accepted God in my life, January 2019, I was crying. I was crying because for the first time in my life I felt I needed him but I didn't know how to fully accept him. Because I knew it in myself then that I had a lot of doubts about him, about his existence, about him being real. But that night, I chose to believe without solid reason, without clear explanation. I just felt I needed him in my life and whatever doubts I had that day, I chose to believe that I will eventually figure it out. That I will eventually find answer to my questions.

Now, if you ask me, did I find the answers? I honestly say, NO, I haven't found them all yet. I still have my doubts, I still have questions, but I still choose to believe He exists and that I need him in my life. If you are asking for my religion, I still couldn't say what my religion is. Until now, I couldn't understand the Holy Trinity, but I believe in God and I acknowledge Jesus. People say God the Father and Jesus the son is only one, but it is still a puzzle to me on why that is the case. Nevertheless, I will still continue to believe and seek for answers.

"Joyal, what would make you lose your faith?"
I don't really know. Because last year, I went through a lot of sh*t financially, mentally and emotionally, but here I am still, writing about how my faith began and no idea about how it will end. I guess we will know overtime. 😅