Last night I was viewing another one of those popular cooking shows.
The diversified panel of world renowned Chef Judges were debating the merits of each of their favorite dishes.
Each Chef Judge gave a meticulous history of the dish and the royal pedigree of people known to also have enjoyed eating that same dish. Then they listed the rare, hard-to-obtain "authentic ingredients" needed to properly prepare the dish.
Then they went on and on about the correct technique and sequential steps of meal preparation - the precise temperatures and cooking times of each phase was discussed ad nauseam.
Additionally, the heating sources (e.g., wood-burning stove, open-pit fire, clay ovens, banana leaf smokers, etc.) and the original pots, pans, and utensils that were used before modern kitchens became commonplace were identified - and of course, in the language of the country where said device or item had originated.
Not to leave modern "Chef Wannabes" without the means to make the dish, the acceptable substitutes that may be employed today without ruining "dish authenticity" (Whatever the Hell that means?) was heavily promoted.
The hard-sell pitch and sexy advertisement video for the expensive, high-end "Chef and Restaurant quality" appliance, utensil set, or cutlery ensemble from the show’s sponsoring manufacturer was shown on the vivid, 80” HD TV located behind the panel of judges.
The "can't live without” item was offered on the show with a special, one time only, promotion price of $49.99 total - or with 12 installment payments of the mere amount of $7.99; conveniently debited automatically from your bank account or credit card, etc.
For me, most of these special cooking tools ended up in the marketing graveyard called "my least used drawer of the kitchen cabinet”.
And to make everyone present in the studio and everyone watching at home witness the superior skills of the Chef Judges, each Chef prepared an example of their favorite meal and presented a sample to the other judges for a taste test.
Then my deviant mind side-barred to a Rated: “R" parody of the show:
...and last, but not least, let's hear what our globally recognized Chef and culinary critic Jai Chai has to say. JC out of all the great food you have tasted around the world, what is your favorite dish?
Adjusting my lapel microphone, I put forth my two cents' worth of culinary history.
"Ahem. My favorite dish?”
The camera zooms in for a close-up and I perform a dramatic, Richard Gere quality, heavy sigh - with both eyes closed, of course. Then, with a most solemn expression, I continue.
“It's the dish you can find in all four corners of the world. Each country has a version of this savory, exotic dish. But I prefer the Asian version.
In the late 16th century, the conquering Moors first introduced this Arabian dish to France. Then the French is credited in most history books for improving upon the original recipe. From France, it became a much sought-after favorite of soldiers from every major invading army; and quickly spread around the world.
To this day, the most widely accepted name for this dish is still in the French language.
When available, this delicious entree is now enjoyed by the majority of the world's population - with both male and female diners - and is phonetically pronounced "zeh kah-meel twah"...
...also known as 'The Camel Toe'."
(Motioning towards the off-stage assistants)
"Now, let's bring out the four examples of my favorite dish - savory, young zeh kah-meel twahs - that I carefully and lovingly prepared to juicy perfection for each of my esteemed colleagues to sample..."
Imagine that?
Submitted for your free moments to ponder...
By JaiChai - "My mind was a terrible thing to waste..."
