The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Shitgibbons Nobody Likes

The Habits of Highly Effective Shitgibbons Nobody Likes: Rules for Success Learned from Horrible People (Mainly Narcissists)

The past few days have seen me in a particularly snarky mood. I intend to kick off this week in the same vein. Here, then, are some "rules on how to succeed in business and life", which I have learned from highly unlikable people (everyone from my relatives, whom have poured derision and scorn on every dream/idea I've expressed to them, to Donald Trump and Mark Zuckerberg). I am considerably reluctant to call these lessons truths, because they are unpleasant to the point of being unethical and unscrupulous. They don't sit well with me. I sincerely hope that they are merely products of circumstance, necessary evils for navigating the mad world of corporate consumer Capitalism in which we live.

1. The Meek Shall Not Inherit the Earth.

Behaving in a decent and ethical manner towards others (being accommodating, considerate, democratic, forgiving, gentle, kind, patient, tolerant or anything else considered "nice" and/or "weak" in any way) doesn't achieve anything measurable, doesn't get you anywhere. Only by doggedly and unwaveringly pursuing what is best for #1, what is in your self interest, do you make headway. (Shut up and take their money. As a rinse once said, "Take them for all they've got and give nothing back.")

2. Nobody Ever Works as Hard or as Well as You Do.

Donald Trump The greatest president in the history of presidents?

Refuse to acknowledge anyone else's efforts as competent or valid (and certainly not as better than one's own  in any way), especially if they are not performed how and when one would perform them. Remember that you (and you alone) are always the best and greatest at everything you do. Nobody else can compete.

Donald Trump typifies this attitude/mindset, which is common to narcissists.

3. Only I Speak the Truth; Everyone Else Lies!

Trump vs Truth: A grandiose delusion Does Trump know he's a liar? It seems he doesn't.

Consistently and categorically refuse to believe what anyone else says or does as truthful if it conflicts with your narrative. Insist that only you are truthful, even in the face of evidence to the contrary (which you should dismiss). This helps to strengthen many of the other rules, particularly #2.

4. Always be Busy; Never Relax! (There's no Difference Between "Busy" and "Productive".)

Are you busy or productive?

Relaxing and enjoying yourself, your job and your life is for lazy, unmotivated, unproductive and unsuccessful people who don't know how to cram as much into their lives as possible. It's all about scheduling. Therefore, you must be busy doing things all the time. (It doesn't matter what things or if you're being productive in doing them; pointless and repetitive things have to get done too.) At the very least, you have to be seen to be busy.

Wow. You must be a terrible employee if you have to work long hours just to keep your job. Dilbert to the rescue, as always. (That or XKCD.)

Even if you are taking a tea break or watching TV with a dog on your lap during a cold and rainy Saturday afternoon, it is paramount that you always maintain a studied air of aloof industriousness; you simply cannot afford to appear relaxed or at ease, lest you undermine your success.

5. Keep Your "To Do" List Long and Schedule Full (Whatever it Takes) or Others Will

As Type A Personality ("A" is for "arsehole") managers know, it is absolutely vital to have as many (or more) things on your "To Do" list and project plan as you can manage. This is one of the ways that you keep the higher-ups happy that you are a committed and hard-working individual whom pays attention to detail and has foresight and planning skills. The nature of the work isn't what's important here, as long as it's there. If you don't fill your time, others will add their crap into your schedule and expect you to waste your time getting it done.

6. Dull Drudgery for the Win!

The duller your work, the more repetitive and likely you could program a system to automate it for you, the better! (Unfortunately, you'll probably not be permitted to automate it, since that will initially take more time to do than the repetitive task itself.) After all, work is about the dull and repetitive grind that destroys your soul and bends your will to that of your corporate masters, nothing else. It isn't meant to be enjoyable, fulfilling or meaningful. What an utterly strange and alien concept that is! You do work because it's there, it has to be done and nobody will do it for you. In return, you get money and a made-up, meaningless title. Expecting more is truly presumptuous and why would you want to? Millennials really do have some peculiar ideas! No wonder they do so little work!

7. Live to Work (not Work to Live).

"Advertising has us chasing cars and clothes, working jobs we hate so we can buy shit we don't need ..."
 — Chuck Palahniuk; Fight Club

We work so that we earn money that we can spend on the things that keep us alive, which requires that we keep working. In short, we live to work. The more money spent on work-related things (clothes, equipment, tools, etc.) in search of that "competitive advantage" over the next corporate monolith that does the same thing (or similar), the better. It's an investment!

You're not meant to keep it and improve your quality of life (unless it's for ostentatious/showy "wank value"), after all. This leads to Rule 8:

8. You'll Never Earn Enough!

You must always strive for a bigger salary and a more-impressive-sounding title. Nothing else matters, but climbing the corporate ladder. Everybody should aim to be an executive manager! (Someone who is content with their position and income lacks ambition and doesn't deserve what they have, won't work harder than they have to in order to keep it.)

Go ahead and buy that luxury sedan or SUV! Move into that big house on the hill with an exorbitant bond, in the upmarket suburb! Go on that swanky "business trip"overseas! Practicing economy and conserving your income and expenditure is for poor people and millennials (id est, lazy and weak people lacking ambition) who don't have money to burn. (You're meant to dispose of your income, after all; how else are your corporate masters going to keep you enslaved to the wage?)

9. Always Be Exhausted from Working!

Asleep at the wheel of autonomous cars

To get ahead, you must work so hard that you don't have any time for anything but working. Who needs family life, hobbies or interests that aren't focused on improving your work performance or finding your next high-powered job? (What on earth are you going to do when you retire, if you ever do?) For that matter, who needs sleep? That's why your catch phrase/health status is "I'm so tired!"

If you do all this, then you can't possibly fail to justify having pity parties for yourself, The World's Hardest Worker™. Your life is so hard; you're so unhappy; you're the only one who does anything valuable because everyone else is so incompetent and lazy! Nobody understands what it's like to be you, how you are perpetually locked in the struggle to make something of your life before you die, despite insurmountable odds and how it's all going wrong. (Yet, you knuckle down and get on with it as best you can; it's not fair that nobody else pulls their weight and treats you like you're a crazy and selfish narcissist on the few rare occasions where you do complain, right? Right!)

I went to stock market today. I did a business.

"I reject your reality and substitute my own!"
 — Adam Savage; Prop-maker and Mythbuster

As for me, I'll live modestly, stash the cash and live a quiet life with no alarms and no surprises, please. Sure, exercising pooches and writing a blog doesn't earn me enough to pay the bills (which is why I do software development), but it does give my life meaning and purpose. No high-powered corporate job ever has.

Ally This is Ally. I adore her, as she does me. Exercising pooches really is a reward in itself.


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Great White Snark
Great White Snark

I'm currently seeking fixed employment as a S/W & Web developer (C# & ASP .NET MVC, PHP 8+, Python 3), hoping to stash the farmed fiat and go full Crypto, quit the 07:30-18:00 grind. Unsigned music producer; snarky; white; balding; smashes Patriarchy.

Snark Attack: Random Musings from The GWS
Snark Attack: Random Musings from The GWS

SW/Web developer: ~12 years of C# (yay!) & ASP .Net MVC, Java (blargh!), Python (woot!) experience. I'm currently hitting faucets and writing for crypto to stake/invest . | I work part-time with animals. Sadly, my cerebellum and medulla oblongata aren't Einsteinian in proportion. However, I possess a Brobdingnagian vocabulary and get by with being a barbigerous logophile. I can probably write you into bed, if smashing Capitalism and Patriarchy turns you on. Kink is political!

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