The tower of Babel, a crowning human achievement to which Yahweh/Yehowah took offense, because it was built to honour Marduk

I'm Afraid of Everyone, but I Don't Have the Drugs to Sort it Out OR We Built a Tall, Tall Tower Towards the Sun

“The LORD came down to see the city and the tower, which mortals had built. And the LORD said, "Look, they are one people, and they have all one language, and this is only the beginning of what they will do; nothing that they propose to do will now be impossible for them. Come, let us go down and confuse their language there, so that they will not understand one another’s speech." So the LORD scattered them abroad from there over the face of all the earth, and they left off building the city.”
 — Book of Genesis 11:5–8

Honesty is one of my Core Values. If I have done nothing else of meaning with my life, it has been seeking truth. (He whom seeks the truth shall find no peace.) However, I find having honest conversations difficult, particularly with neurotypical (NT) people (or at least those not on the Asperger's/Autism and Divergent Spectrum). Mostly, that's because NTs tend to be emotional, irrational, unpredictable, unreasonable and unaware that they are, or that it is an aspect of their communication to a greater degree than the rest of us (just as I tend to be unaware when I'm mumbling or rambling on in monotone). I never know for certain if they'll react or respond (and exactly how), so I can never know for certain if I've chosen "the right moment" to tell the truth. (Apparently, there are such things and they're not "as much as possible", which I would consider they would be, even if to my own detriment in the short term.)

Being honest with NTs tends to go one of three main ways:

  • They get insulted/offended, misinterpreting my being direct and forthright as being aggressive, disrespectful/insubordinate/unprofessional, intense, rude, scary, tactless or something else, based on their (or my) emotional state at the time. Sure, I can get pretty animated and passionate at times, but that I often don't have the right tone has little to do with my expressing myself as articulately and clearly as I can.
  • They find a way to deliberately misinterpret and twist my words into weapons that can be used against me later, on multiple occasions. That really hurts, far more than my lies. Lies have no point or weight behind them.
  • We so clearly misunderstand each other to such a degree that exchanges of what is supposedly the same language are far more ludicrous/ridiculous (to the point of being surreal) than they are confusing and frustrating.

That's why I find it easier (for me) to be economical with the truth and tell them what I think they want to hear or outright lie. I'd far rather deal/interact with people on the spectrum (or spectrum-adjacent). If we're not on the same wavelength, then we're on similar ones. Our communication styles are similar enough to be more compatible than talking at cross-purposes across an often unbroachable chasm. Honestly, I prefer written communication, since a lot of the problems can be edited out before sending (or even after, in many cases). However, when that fails (as it sometimes does), I flee into the aphorisms of song lyrics because je ne sais pas where else to turn.

Yet, I'm apparently the crazy/weird one causing other people's lives to be a living hell with my odd attitude and behaviour, if they're to be believed ...

Words are very unnecessary. They can only do harm. Enjoy the silence.

All your mental armor drags me down. Nothing hurts me more than your mouth (your mouth).

Apologising to people whom won't accept it (or at least act graciously) about it hurts me too, particularly if I feel I've done nothing wrong, but am trying to make peace or smooth out a situation. I don't understand why people (my own family included) so evidently delight in treating me cruelly, in seeing me suffer at their hands, just because I'm not like them. I'm mostly fine, even happy, on my own. It's when I'm around other people for too long that I get depressed, since it was other people (not me) that repeatedly physically assaulted me over my differences all those years ago and caused or otherwise contributed to my CPTSD, the thing that still keeps me distrustful and away from them. It was my own family that wasn't there for me, couldn't be trusted when I needed them most, still can't be relied upon when I fail to be self-reliant or deal with my own problems and demons. They know I resent them for that, yet insist they're entirely blameless because I chose not to trust them, just as I chose to be subjected to all the subsequent mental illness, mistreatment and shit in my life.

In a world where people lie and people steal, misinterpret how you feel, you're not alone!

Is it any wonder, then, that I feel that I need to get as far away from other people as I physically can or take heavy schedule prescription drugs (despite my own reservations and attempts to master difficult alternatives) in order to deal with the anxiety, chaos and unpredictability of merely spending time in the company of people whom I don't trust well enough not to flip out and start fights/shouting matches with me over things I consider to be inconsequential/trivial/unimportant or over which I have no control? My friend (yes, I actually have one) with ASD thinks not and I am grateful to her for many things, one of which is that she is a stabiliser and voice of reason when I doubt my own.

Anyway, I now have to go clean a bathroom in the dark before heading to bed, in case of an unexpected visitor arriving and needing to use it, since it would be "an utter crisis" if it was anything other than absolutely spotless at all times (but especially between 19:30 and 07:30 the next morning, for some reason that's not apparent to me). IDEK why this is a thing, but it is clearly a big one to my landlady, whom is very concerned with cleanliness, contamination and keeping up the appearance that her home is a hotel and nobody actually lives in it or makes use of the facilities (particularly post-COVID), to the point of obsession. She'd rather I exsanguinate, defecate or urinate on the floor (or out the window, for all I know; I was too perplexed to ask) in the room I rent than her having to face the humiliation of me going to the bathroom when she's got guests (since using a bucket or bin is also strengtens verboten). I'm also not allowed to turn on a light or flush a toilet in case I disturb her sleep by doing so.

Thumbnail image: The tower of Babel (Babylon?), a crowning human achievement to which Yahweh/Yehowah allegedly took offense because it was supposedly built to honour another god (Marduk)

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Great White Snark
Great White Snark

I'm currently seeking fixed employment as a S/W & Web developer (C# & ASP .NET MVC, PHP 8+, Python 3), hoping to stash the farmed fiat and go full Crypto, quit the 07:30-18:00 grind. Unsigned music producer; snarky; white; balding; smashes Patriarchy.

Snark Attack: Random Musings from The GWS
Snark Attack: Random Musings from The GWS

SW/Web developer: ~12 years of C# (yay!) & ASP .Net MVC, Java (blargh!), Python (woot!) experience. I'm currently hitting faucets and writing for crypto to stake/invest . | I work part-time with animals. Sadly, my cerebellum and medulla oblongata aren't Einsteinian in proportion. However, I possess a Brobdingnagian vocabulary and get by with being a barbigerous logophile. I can probably write you into bed, if smashing Capitalism and Patriarchy turns you on. Kink is political!

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