At this stage of my life, I have lost so much — conviction, courage, dignity, employment, energy, equipment, family, friends, income, money, motivation, positivity, reputation, strength, time, tools and stuff, generally — that I don't actually know what I've got left or how I get through the months. Somehow, I still do. (I know, I know, it's the same old story I've told at this time of the month, every month, for the past year or more. I don't blame you for being sick of reading it; I'm sick of thinking and writing it, believe me. I'm desperately looking for a way out/away from it.)
If you don't want a whole lot of negativity and self-pity in your feed, I suggest you skip this writing and move on. As stated above, I don't blame you; I'd do the same.
I feel despondent from constantly being on a losing streak and driven under by life because I don't currently have the wherewithal to keep up with the demands made of/on me in order to take care of myself, get out of this hole and escape my toxic environment/habits/life. I know full well that feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self-pity is a luxury I can't afford (like so many things, lately, including time to navel-gaze/self-reflect and write). I haven't got the time nor energy to do the things that I need to do in order to get through, never mind the things I want to do and/or enjoy. (I don't even know if I ate lunch today. I don't think that I did. I was too busy dithering because I couldn't decide on what stuff to keep and what to throw away. I don't even remember what stuff I put into which piles/containers; I was too upset at having to get rid of any of it, although I certainly did. At this stage, I'm assuming I got rid of everything. I know it is just stuff to which I shouldn't be attached and I can replace it one day, that it's to my own benefit to not have it hanging around and cluttering up my life, but there's a vast disconnect between what I know and what I feel.)
"The things you own end up owning you." — Tyler Durden (Chuck Palanuik/David Fincher); Fight Club
"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter heaven." — Biblical parable
I'm not a rich man by any means (am practically living a hair's breadth away from poverty, since poverty is a state in which one cannot afford to meet one's needs or furnish oneself with the tools to progress), but the sentiment still holds. I used to not only manage, but excel. I used to be able to fight my shitty, self-defeating and self-sabotaging brain that always dragged me down but didn't win. Then COVID-19 hit, my world went to shit in quick succession and I grew tired of fighting, gave up. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I have been punished for it over and over since. I really need a lucky break so that I can get hold of my bootstraps and pull myself up again, but they seem to have worn through and I don't know how I'm going to replace them without the means. I know I need help/outside intervention, but I still don't know how to ask for something that likely won't come and I keep banging my head against the wall.
I've simply got to be disciplined enough to be constantly hustling, bringing in the money and putting it aside, moving forward. I'm not doing that. Instead, I'm fearful and procrastinating, getting distracted and diverted by crap and bullshit that takes me away from the right path, messes me around and wastes my time and energy. The whole month has been like that, so I've made minimal money and my plans have come to naught. Somehow, I've got to reign in my life and stop it riding over me or I'll be driven under and drown. I need help, because I can't do this, can't live my life like this, alone, on my own and under my own power any more (as much as I want to and have to; nobody will have me as I am). I still can't bring myself to ask for/accept the help I so desperately need, because doing so means that I am incapable of doing what I once thought I could (be an adult making reasonable choices and in control of his life).
I could do with a beer or something. Ah, the little luxuries that I miss ...