For those of you who don't know this, the origin of the #NotAllMen hashtag originates with Incels, following the incident with Elliot Roger murdering people because he didn't get the beautiful girlfriend he was convinced he deserved, simply for existing. Many in the manosphere felt the need to distance themselves from him, by proclaiming "but not all men are like that", as if women didn't already know that or needed reminding. Of course, they completely missed the boat, by a long shot. The response to that was, unsurprisingly, #yesAllWomen, meaning that yes, all women have been subjected to the misogyny and objectification exhibited by Roger and his fellow incels. This angered the incels, who felt the need to double down on their patronising and misogyny, posting statements such as this on Incel sites like A Voice for Men and Return of Kings:

"Men are your benefactors, your protectors, and your providers. So the next time you trend a hashtag about us, maybe you say ’thank you’ instead."

Wow. Just wow! Thanks for nothing!

Anyway, moving on rapidly from that brief history ...

Hello, little {insert pejorative here}. HRU? DTF?

"Heya! I'm a switch sometimes I want to give someone a facefull of cum and other times I want to be ridden with a strap-on, can we chat?"

That is definitely not what you should send in a first message (and not because of your mutilated sentences), yet sites like FL and Collarspace are full of such examples. Good grief!

As per every typical day on a social media site, a woman, somewhere, will probably receive a disgusting, vulgar message in her DMs, from a complete stranger. If it's happening once, it's happening thousands of times. The instances we see posted publicly are only the tip of the iceberg, the more extreme cases or the straws that broke the camel's back. People will usually respond in a number of ways:

• "Gross"
• "What a jerk!"
• "Why do men do this?"
• "He can fuck off!"

The unfortunate reality, however, is that little gets done about it beyond that (particularly since the caretakers on sites such as Fratlife don't consider harassment of women a serious problem worth their attention, a reflection of a problem in wider society in general). Really, what can you do in the face of all the men who steadfastly refuse to examine their attitude and approach, despite all the advice that has been made available, in great quantities and many permutations (both by myself and others), all over the Web? ("I can't hear you!" is a typical Incel retort. It's not that they can't, but they don't want to. They're too busy staring at the blonde bombshell in the red dress.) It seems that nothing can be done, yet we persist in the hope of catching some early enough, before their goose is cooked.

“The Matrix is a system, Neo. That system is our enemy. But when you're inside, you look around, what do you see? Businessmen, teachers, lawyers, carpenters. The very minds of the people we are trying to save. But until we do, these people are still a part of that system and that makes them our enemy. You have to understand, most of these people are not ready to be unplugged. And many of them are so inured, so hopelessly dependent on the system, that they will fight to protect it.”
 — Morpheus (Lana Wachowski); The Matrix

Agent Smith: You must be able to see it, Mr. Anderson. You must know it by now; You can't win. It's pointless to keep fighting.

Why, Mr. Anderson? Why, why do you persist?

Neo: Because I choose to.
 — The Matrix Revolutions (2003)

Yes, I'm fully aware that the "Red Pill" is a concept that Incels have misappropriated from The Matrix, which is why it gives me a certain pleasure to quote the trilogy in argument against them (in much the same way as I quote the Bible in arguments against/with Christians). I wonder how many of them are aware that the trilogy is an allegory for what life is like for a trans* person (confirmed by the Wachowski siblings, whom are trans), a group they deride as "Omega males", caught up as they are in the myth of "Alpha males" ... Fun fact: Oestrogen hormone replacement supplements used to look very similar to the red pill that Morpheus offers Neo. How's that for irony?

Yet, there's always one (often more) who come(s) along to bleat the tired old phrase, "but not all men".

Not All Men

Yes, folks. After a woman receives a gross, personal, creepy message and shares it in order to vent, educate and maybe cut down on the creepy (however unlikely in reality), a brave and stalwart masculy (yes, I made that up) man shows up and goes on bended knee ...

"We are not all like this!!!`1"

Wow, really?

Yes, Kyle, We Know that Much Already

Let me explain the first thing about all these "not all men" complaints, to those of you who still don't get it ...

If you are not perpetuating the behaviour described, it's not about you. If you're offended by people calling it out, however, it very much is about you. Think about that for a minute or six, why don't ya?

Move on. It has nothing to do with you.

Oh, and for pity's sake, do not make it about you. It's really not a good look. Yes, crying "not all men" really means "not me". Here's the thing, though: It's not about you, your gender, race, sexuality, etc. So don't comment if you're not the one who sent that message; it's about that person (and the people who send such messages).

Yes, All Women

If you're a man, imagine this (since women have had the experience, they don't have to):

You've got a fairly/highly popular account on one of the antisocial media or online dating sites/apps. That means you're going to get a considerable amount of attention. The more popular you are, the more attention. Sadly, that means you'll also see more shitty attention.

If you're not someone giving women the shitty attention, then listen or read and comprehend when they complain about it, instead of getting fragile and making it about you by blurting "not all men". It gets old and tired, really quickly.

What "Not All Men" Really Says About You

If you choose to hover, flutter and pretend ...

"Excuse me, ma'am! Ma'am! But you forgot to add 'not all men' and I'm afraid you don't realize that we (me specifically) aren't all like that!"

After posts about gross invasions of privacy, sharing accounts of stalking, harassment, creepers in the DMs, misogyny, rape threats, actual accounts of rape and sexual assault ... instead of listening and empathising, some misguided soul always has to make one thing clear:

It's not about the woman/female-identifying person's pain, frustration, fear, discomfort, trauma, etc. ...

It's about a random guy's feelings and his worries that you might think he is one of the bad guys.

Instead of just empathising, you want to make sure she knows that you specifically, in all likelihood some stranger she's never met, don't do this.

Well, dude, that's frankly just gross. You might as well respond "It wasn't me" or "I'm a man, so screw you, bitch", for all the good it will do.

It's not about her discomfort.

It's about her knowing, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you don't do this.

Do you see the problem and what this behaviour indicates?

By doing this, you have pushed yourself out of the "good, trusted guy" territory.

No, it doesn't equate you with a rapist or stalker, but you've marked yourself as somebody who doesn't listen or empathise. That indicates a bigger problem: You've marked yourself as unsafe, untrustworthy. Who knows what else about you is problematic? Certainly not the person who shared the message that was received.

Just don't do it,OK? Don't be That Guy.

Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Comments have been closed, because I'm not interested in doing the "not all men" dance.

Yes, you can link to this/share it, if you think it will help. Good luck with that.