Humans tends to get reactive and problem-focused when faced with uncertainty and intense change. Of course, being proactive and solutions-focused, is ideal but it tends to be more of a learned skill.
When you get reactive to someone, it's coming from a primal need for self-preservation and safety that stems from the survival brain. However, the problems facing us today require a more whole brain approach. The good news is that you can train your brain to stay calm and creative in the face of stressors or people you find challenging.
If you find yourself stressed because of people or situations, realize that it’s normal. Process the negative thoughts and emotions. Move them out of your body and start turning around the situation. You retrain your brain by adding small habits to your day that move you from a triggered state of mind to a calm state of mind. Only then can you start to see and implement solutions.
Choose your state of mind
Choosing your state of mind, as opposed to letting your state come from external circumstances, is the best way to get untriggered quickly.
Sometimes you wake up in the morning, and it feels like your state has chosen you, that you are victim to it, and cannot shake it no matter what you do. But that's not true. You can always shift it, with one decision.
No amount of strategies, tips, or tricks in the world will make a difference for someone if they aren't thinking correctly. You need a deeper level of motivation to create a resilient infrastructure around those strategies, and that can only come from having the right state of mind.
In striving for that clear state of mind, it's worth realizing that all states of mind (good or bad) come from your interpretations of life. To quote the book of Proverbs, "As a man thinketh, so is he."
Therefore, to choose a better state of mind, ask yourself this one question: What's a better meaning I can give this situation?
Regardless of your current life situation, and the stressors you're going through, this question will help bring things into perspective. The interpretation change creates an entire ripple effect to results in your life.
For example, a coaching client of mine was at home working full-time. Her nine-year-old son was at home, bouncing off the walls, and her husband was working full-time outside the house in an essential service. She felt overwhelmed because she thought that there weren't enough hours in the day to do her work and help her son stay focused.
So we posed the question: What's a better meaning I could give the situation? Of course, she resisted at first, which is normal. She had to ask this question herself several times, but the answers started to come.
She said, "Instead, I could see this as an opportunity to improve my parenting skills, boundary-setting and focus ability." She noticed she was gaining weight because she wasn't going to the gym anymore; they both needed to move more. So she started going out with her son daily to the beach, to throw the ball around to have fun and move A LOT until they both exhausted themselves. After that, he was able to settle down and do some school work, and she was able to focus more on her work and got more done in far less time.
She lost weight, they got closer, and both of them got productive with their work again.
It seems simplistic, but asking this question and confronting the answers is better than blaming external situations, which seems easier in the short term, but causes much suffering in the long run.
Deal with your emotions first
Changing your state of mind is more difficult if you don't process and deal with your emotions first.
There are three ways most people deal with emotions, and only one is healthy:
- Suppressing and trying to talk yourself out of a negative emotion cognitively. Bottling it all up only leads to more pressure and overblown meltdowns later.
- Projecting your negative emotions onto other people
- Processing emotions, or just feeling them, is the only healthy way to deal with them and move forward.
So how do you process emotions? Each individual has their style. Some people journal about them and then burn or tear the paper to signify closure. You can also adopt vigorous physical activity, or talk to a counselor. Opt for whatever works for you.
In conclusion
Emotional processing is like burning logs in a fireplace. If you let the emotions burn, they become fuel for growth - they fuel a creative transformation in your mindset.
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