These are a series of funny but real conversations between airline workers:
Pilots vs control towers.
- Tower- To avoid any sound pollution please steer 45 degrees to your right.
- Pilot- What sounds pollution can we produce at a 7000m altitude?
- Tower- The one resulting from your collision with the 727 heading your way!
- Tower- Are you a Airbus 320 or 340?
- Pilot- We're flying a 340 of course!
- Tower- Would you be so kind as to turn on your other two engines before taking off please?
- Pilot- Good Morning Bratislava!
- Tower- Good morning for your information this is Vienna.
- Pilot- What? We're currently landing at Bratislava.
- Tower- This is really Vienna.
- Pilot- Vienna?
- Tower- Yes
- Pilot- But this can't be, we need to land at Bratislava.
- Tower- In that case fly off and turn left.
- The Tower communicating with a Pilot that just succeeded in a very difficult landing:
- Tower- The landing plan should never be kept a secret from the passengers.
- Pilot- Don't worry about it, they're clapping anyway.
- A Alitalia Pilot whose plane was just struck by a lightning bold disabling most of his cockpit instruments.
- Pilot- We've lost all flight instruments, nothing is working, even the altimeter has stopped showing anything.
- After about 5 minutes of noises another voice can be heard - Shut up and die like a man!
- Pilot- A light has just come up in my dashboard.
- Tower- We were hoping there would be more of them lit by now.
- Pilot- There are but thick smoke is only coming out of this one.
- Pilot- We're desperately low on fuel. Awaiting emergency instructions!
- Tower- What's your position, we can't locate you on our radar.
- Pilot- We've been sitting on runway two and waiting for the fuel truck since... forever!
- Tower- Do you have any issues onboard?
- Pilot- We've lost the cockpit compass!
- Tower- Judging by how you're flying I though you lost the whole cockpit.
- Tower- After landing head over to Taxiway Alpha 7, Alpha 5, Whiskey 2, Delta 1 and Oscar 2.
- Pilot- Sorry where is that? We're not familiar with the layout of this airport.
- Tower- Don't worry. I don't know either, this is my second day here.
- Pilot- Requesting permission to take off.
- Tower- Apologies, we don't yet have your flight plan, where are you heading?
- Pilot- Flying to Salzburg like on every other Monday!
- Tower- Ok but today is Tuesday.
- Pilot- Really? in that case we have the day off.
- Tower- Report on height and position please?
- Pilot- 5'9" and seating on the left chair in the cockpit rather relaxed.
- The tower communicating with a amateur pilot:
- Tower- Who is on board?
- Pilot- Myself, two passengers and a dog.
- After a rough landing:
- Tower- So why did you let the dog attempt the landing?
- Tower- Do you or do you not have enough fuel for the flight?
- Pilot- Yes!
- Tower- Yes what??
- Pilot- Yes Sir!
- Tower- Please indicate your ETA (Estimated time of arrival)
- Pilot- Hmmm Tuesday would suit me fine please.
Translated and put together from various old articles that I can't find anymore. Hope you enjoyed it!
