I’m not going to apologize for what I did if you’re expecting that. But I’m also not going to sit here and act like you deserved everything I did. I think I said something to you like “you destroyed my life, now I’m going to destroy yours.” Guess this time I followed through.

I saw the look in your eyes that night when I put my hands on your face and you said “please don’t touch me.” If you want to know the moment in time when I lost it between us, it was right there. That’s when I saw red. It told me you were never going to say you loved me again. You were never going to hug me or kiss me again and I was never going to make love to you again. I couldn’t accept that. I still don’t. I’m not going to lie to you, I never will. You’ll have to kill me if you want me to ever let you go.

I feel like you fucked with my mind and toyed with my emotions, even though I know you don’t feel like you did anything wrong. The reversal on your feelings for me short circuited my brain or something in my psyche, I’m not sure. I never acted out like that towards somebody I love so much. I never expected it, most of it was not premeditated it was improvisation. I’m hurt and angry and upset and while those feelings may be misplaced or even all together wrong and you don’t understand them, unfortunately that is a moot point. They’re still here and I don’t think they are ever going to go away. I wish I never met you. You ruined me because I’ll never love another woman like I love you, and I’ll always love you. I know you won’t feel the same way. I know you probably will always hate me. Either way, no matter how good it once was between us, I’m sure we will never come back from this.

I would give anything to go back to that night right after the game when I grabbed you in your kitchen spontaneously and kissed you to see if you would reciprocate. That was the moment that my good friend became my best friend, and I thought I would have that friend forever. That was the moment that changed me l because I knew what real love felt like. I don’t know what you did to me, I didn’t think another person could ever make me feel this way. The few weeks that followed that, I felt like the world was made up of four people.... You and I and your two funny little girls. I can’t even describe the feeling I had with you and the girls at that time, but it was better than any drug I’ve ever used, any food or drink I’ve ever tasted, any song I’ve ever heard or sunset I’ve ever seen. You were all I wanted forever. I don’t know that people are supposed to feel that way naturally in life... the way I did, and maybe that’s why this fell apart so quickly. Those moments, the way you looked at me with such adoration and love, seemed to last an eternity at the time and I thought they would continue on forever. I don’t have words for how happy you made me. I love you so much and I will always love you. You are the only love of my life. But now, I hate you for taking that from me, and taking your girls away too.

I would give anything to see you look at me that way again, but deep down I know you won’t. I saw the look of disappointment in your eyes the last time I saw you, like I wasn’t the person you had expected me to be and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry I’m not the person you thought I was, but I’m not sorry for my actions. I won’t apologize for them. And I never will. I’m not saying what I did was right. I know it was wrong. It was rude, insane, douchebaggy, low blow, you name it... it was all that shit I know it was. But that doesn’t mean I’m sorry now or ever will be or will I ever accept your decision to cast me aside as if I didn’t exist.

You once mistakenly assumed that I hadn’t lived with many different women, hadn’t experienced many live-in girlfriend situations, domesticated so to speak. I don’t know why you thought that. Probably because you’re a little bit older than me and think you have more experience with that. You are wrong. I definitely lived with many more women than you have with men, I’ve had many more “fuck you’s” and “I love you’s” and “go fuck yourself’s” fly across my face and out of my mouth than you have. Just because you’re 7 years older than me, doesn’t mean you have more maturity or more experience in every aspect of life. There are certain departments in the shopping mall of civilization that I will admit, I am an immature child. And in this instance, when I could have used my past experience to make things better for us, you never gave me a chance to, so I went the other way. I took my past relationships and designed plan with one theme in mind: I know I can be a much bigger bitch than you could ever be. And I was, wasn’t I? Even so, admittedly acting like a bitch or not, even if I wanted to, I can’t justifiably apologize for the things that have been done in this instance, since most are unforgivable.

I lashed out at you because I felt like you stole those good times we had and compartmentalized them into a void as meaningless, when you turned to me and said that it was just sex for you, nothing more. I was hoping that was just a callus remark to get a reaction out of me, maybe part of it was, but a part of it wasn’t. You looked at me like you had fucked 20 different guys where I was sitting, and while that may or may not be true, and I’ve probably done the same thing with women under similar comparative circumstances, it sent me into an emotional incredible hulk style revenge fantasy, putting me on a mission to fuck with you until there was significant fallout. I guess this is the come down... the aftermath. Or maybe it’s just the eye of the storm and it appears calm for now, but, the worst is yet to come. Time will tell.

You, with a swoop of your magic wand, took our entire time together and consolidated it into a fuck session. That’s what really pissed me off. I thought we had something more than that. Maybe not to you, it was to me, but now I’m questioning what, if anything, I ever meant to you other than a big dick, your own personal masseuse and 24/7 on call babysitter. That’s why I’m not apologizing for what I did. I do think my actions were deplorable, this is not how humans are supposed to act. But in my mind, in my court of public opinion, those actions were completely justified, that’s why you should never forgive me. I don’t want you to. Because somewhere in my mind, I still feel like you deserved those things, since you have not acknowledged or conceded to any wrongdoing, never even apologized. Just walked around with that undeserved look of self confidence, cocky, brushing it off like it was nothing it was just something you said and you were taking it back like it shouldn’t have meant anything. Sorry sweetheart, but that’s not how shit works in my world.

When you looked in my eyes the first time and told me you loved me, in my mind I felt like I knew you were being truthful. You elevated that word "love" above all others as if it did hold real meaning to you. Apparently you, like many other people in this world, are full of shit, and you and I have very different ideas of what that word it’s supposed to mean. I said that to you the second night we slept together. Because I knew it was real for me and I don’t say that word unless I mean it either. You felt the courage to say it to me, after making it seem like you never would. But then so quickly you flipped your feelings for me. I felt betrayed since you had put so much credence in that word. When you love someone there should not be conditions behind the love you feel. You either said it prematurely, or said it haphazardly in a moment of physical gratification, or you still do love me and just won’t say it because you feel ashamed of that.

I will concede that my thoughts when put to paper or said aloud, can be disturbing and hurtful. I thought you would understand that they weren’t so much thoughts as they were theater. Some say artists use lies to tell the truth, I’m not sure if that would apply here but my writing tends to be rather descriptive, often embellished, and many times just straight-up bullshit. I feel like you wanted the upper hand in whatever relationship you were trying to continue on with me, as “just friends”. The fact that you said you could just be friends with me was either a lie or you really don’t know what the word love means. You made me feel like all that time I spent with you that meant so much to me and appeared to mean so much to you, was going to be easily erased from your mind. Like it meant nothing.

You often have an attitude, an overconfidence and a swagger about you, act as if you’re better than people in certain circumstances. most people would see that as a big Time character flaw, but it’s one of the things I actually like about you. you have this aura about you that you know something no one else does or you’re too busy with whatever is going on in your mind to pay attention to anybody else. I know exactly how you feel because I feel the same way. However you go a little overboard with it. A few times after a overly cocky quip, or deliberately insincere commentary, I even thought to myself “if that chick was a dude I would just kick the fucking shit out of him right here right now.” for no reason sometimes you say things callously or act as if you’re above certain people or things or ideas. We both know you’re probably not. That’s one of the reasons you put on a show as if you have so many friends, and I’m sure you did at one time or maybe you still call these people friends, but I bet you don’t see them too often and I bet they don’t speak of you very much. They might now, you will become a cautionary tale, as will I.

If it’s any consolation I am ruined mentally, drained emotionally. I don’t know what I’m going to do. You ruined my life because I had plans to live with you, how many days in a row did you send me photos of rental properties? How many times did you say we should get this bed or I like those curtains? I even made a Pinterest board Pinterest for fuck sake…called my baby and my DIY. CALL ME A MENTAL PATIENT, BUT THAT SEEMS LIKE A LOCK TO ME. I started making those plans I started living them, apparently prematurely. I should have known to be more careful with you. The one time when we were first hooking up and we got into an argument because of your neighbor, you didn’t believe me about something… about messages that were sent to someone… you were ready to break it off over a text message… yet often times you admit you don’t even have time to read them. That is a philosophy I cannot understand or accept and I should have been more careful with my feelings for you. Revealing them first you felt that you had the upper hand since I said the “L word” first. Shall we see if I can make you say it last?

I don’t even know if you’re taking the time to read this, but I don’t care. I started to change my whole life for you. I was coming to live in yours not the other way around, you kept saying I never introduced you to anyone, and when would you have had the time to do that? And I thought we had agreed since I was cheating on my girlfriend with you we would ease into something like that until you moved that was the whole point and you acted as if we never had those conversations. But while we’re on the subject how many people did you introduce me to? If it wasn’t for your parents living in such close proximity I would have never even come across your mother. And I still wouldn’t be able to tell who she was if I saw her since I only met her a couple times very briefly. Your hypocrisy and your constant self-righteousness towards everything you is piggish and I could see that that would be a problem in the future since I have those character traits as well. I see it as this, I alienated my family my friends even my dog for you, you stole time from me. Time that I could have spent with them but instead was fawning over you and your girls. You destroyed part of my timeline and didn’t let me recompense for mistakes that I made. You are a Time burglar. And you must pay for that. That’s not what someone who loves another does. You are vindictive you are a bitch I will always hate you for some of the things you did but I will always love you for the time we had together. I was ready to change my entire life for you drop everything and be there for you. You would never do that for me. I know our living circumstances were different but even if they weren’t I don’t think you would have ever done that for me whether you had children or not. I would never be your first position. You offer your children as reasons why you didn’t have time to do things with me, but whether you had them or not I believe you would be number one in your book all the time. That’s why you no longer have friends or you no longer have as many as you want or think you have.

I wanted you to feel what I felt that’s why I did what I did. It got out of hand when you decided to make a phone call the other night and they delivered there rhetoric to me on my lawn it became even more surreal for me. That was definitely the point of no return in this story.

I miss you. It’s times like this late at night that I know I will always miss you most because I never had a partner for the vampire-like hours that I keep. You saw me at my best, at my worst and it was in such a consolidated period of time. You never sit back and reflect, you say you never have time but how can you ever have time if you never make time? Perhaps one day you will not accept, but understand why I did the things I did, and why I’m not done with you yet and probably never will be. Perhaps one day someone else will make you feel as I do now, but I doubt it. The first obstacle in that statement would be anyone who tries to get near you in that capacity will have to go through this freak show first. And all I’ve got is time. In your world there is only one sun your planet revolves around and it is you. I would always be treated as a second-class citizen in your home and I do not refer to the fact that you are a mother and your children always come first. I refer to the fact that YOU always come first. You are selfish not only in your familial life but in your personal and specifically your sexual life. You always want to receive. DON’T WE ALL. But you don’t even offer to reciprocate. That’s called greedy, selfish, and piggish. We went from 0 to 60 in 2 seconds with me and I can’t abide by that I can’t accept that I’m sorry sweetheart. As recently as about 3 weeks ago you were dressing up like a schoolgirl for me and putting a mirror up so you could watch me fuck you from behind. I don’t know why I just wrote that, has no relevance right here, I was thinking of it and I felt like it was necessary to throw that out there.

Despite your egotistical and self-centered character flaws, you provided me with more enjoyment in a few months time than almost anyone ever has in my life. I had more fun with you and more ambition in my mind to be the best person I could be than I ever had with anyone else. Which is probably why, when I saw it ending, I decided to burn it to the ground, to leave no trace and salt the Earth behind me so nothing could grow from it again. I could never imagine replicating the excitement, the mischievousness, and the yearning I felt with being a part of your life everyday. I thank you for that and I will always love you for that. However I will always hate you for what you took from me, and what you would never allow me be a part of, and what you would never give me a second chance to live for. So fasten your seat belt sweetheart. I see the horizon and we are only in the eye of the storm.