The only certainty I have now is that all I have is me. It's always been like that, of course. But we usually accompany each other. When you love someone you try to make them not feel like they only have them. Or that's how I understand it. Because no, we are rarely actually alone. The problem is mine. Maybe I put a lot of effort into a relationship that wasn't like that. Which perhaps has never been like that. Although I have felt that it was mutual before. Now I feel very lonely. Little communication. Little complicity. I would like to feel desired and attractive. I would like to enjoy a relationship that has just begun even if it seems older. But that's it...it seems like an old, stagnant, almost dead relationship. I want to be happy and I know we could feel fulfilled. And this relationship is becoming more dull every day. I haven't stopped mentioning it since I started to notice it. But the more he mentioned it, I think the worse it was. I asked for help quite a few times and received anger. Now I don't ask for anything. I just stay expectant almost always. Seeing how the more I fight, the further I am from feeling comfortable and happy. Now I don't ask anymore because experience has told me that it's better to keep quiet. Now I'm usually sad because I believed in us. And I almost don't feel it anymore.

As you told me... when everything is, I don't know, I guess, fog, expectation... everything is stopped and I can't find land. It's hard for me to even see myself. That security that we always have that the only thing we always have is us... I almost don't even feel that. That by definition is a collapse process. I had never thought about it like that... I understood that collapsing went further I guess... But it seems not. And now I feel like this...floating adrift on a beach with few waves where I can't stand. Where there is no land to cling to. Just drifting. Sad and alone adrift. Searching in my trunk, under a satin purple veil, among things of all kinds, to see if I can find myself and give myself the strength to stand up and get out of the water.

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