Parenting woes #3

This is what life at 43 boils down to. Holding my baby girl on my lap with my right arm, scooping fried rice at the coffee shop with my left arm.

Why scooping? Because my baby girl is earnestly reaching out for my fried rice, so I need to place it a certain distance from myself.

Prior to this, I try putting her to sleep, but to no avail. I wanted to leave her on the stroller and let her tear the house down with her screams, but her desperate shrieking wears down my resolve. Hence, me holding her on my lap while trying to have my lunch. At 4pm.

Honestly, if you ask me what I miss before becoming a parent, I won’t mention my month-long stays in particular countries or week-long vacations in Japan. I think every parent expects to give up remnants of his pre-fatherhood life. I’m no exception.

But what hits me harder than I expect is the few hours of transit time when I travelled in between countries. I still remember how excited I was when rushing to a nearby shopping mall when I touched down at Taoyuan International Airport. Or the night I spent in Bangkok after visiting my then-girlfriend and before returning to Singapore.

Pure unbridled joy. Just so so happy to absorb the vibes of a foreign land, so exhilarated to revisit old favourites and explore new hangouts. Those few hours when I felt truly alive, completely immersed in the moment.

For you see, parenting is many things but joy is not one of them. It is rewarding, ennobling, fulfilling, exhausting, exasperating, thankless and

freedom-sucking. It is the opposite of joy for me.

And I mourn and despair because all I ask for is that one afternoon/night when I can be alone, yet hyperactively engaged with my surroundings. But I don’t think I will ever experience that again. And I am sad and angry that I have to sacrifice this part of my long-cherished identity. I have been sighing a lot this “holidays”. I find it so tough.

I do take a picture of my baby girl whose cherubic smile I wish I can hold on to. I do know that I am blessed. I’m still not sure whether I would look upon this “holidays” nostalgically five years from now, but I do want to keep an open mind.