I never had the appetite for business.

To be honest, I don't think male teachers get a lot of respect in Singapore, if I can generalise what my student once uttered to be a sentiment held commonly: "Like you meh. Still teach in YJC". I never did let him finish that thought because I hastily interrupted, "Excuse me. I am moving on to SP". Ha!

Now, he wasn't being malicious. I think he thinks that teachers don't actually amount to much.

A sentiment shared by Ricky, my kor from NS days who once tried very hard to make me think about setting up my own business, using himself--the O level graduate who earns a five-figure sum--as an example and volunteering to find me contacts. He said bluntly that he thought I was a little selfish for not wanting to aspire to a greater life. How can my mum hold her head up high when her son is "just a teacher"?

Now, he wasn't being malicious.

But since I have always wanted to have a job that allows me to interact with people from all walks of life, I am quite happy to be a salaried employee, for if I become my own boss, won't my contacts be limited to people working in the same industry? How will I gain wisdom from people who are living lives so drastic from mine?

I don't really care if people feel that I am not living up to my potential (whatever that means), as long as I am learning stuff and doing cool stuff in my job.

Something however stirred in me while I was finishing up Chem tuition this Tuesday. It suddenly seemed to me so ridiculous that the happiest part of the day, 7-9pm be darned, was my "CCA".

I do like my work at SP. It's just that over the past year, I have grown to realise that the way I function best is with small groups of students who have devoted single-mindedly to learning from me for that period. No need for classroom discipline. No need to strategise about the best time to give breaks so that the lesson won't be disrupted. Solid, intensive work for 1-2 hours straight. Po Bronson once wrote that when he was starting out as a writer, he was very humbled that his professor, a dying AIDS patient, steadfastly invested 2 hours every week, painstakingly going through his every sentence and imparting to him the mechanics of good writing.

I thought it was awfully noble of that professor but now, I am not so sure. It's very gratifying and flattering to realise that I am the one who is opening their eyes to the fundamentals of chemistry. That I am setting their foundation right, something that they can tap on regardless of the educational route they undertake in the future. And with the hindsight of age and experience, I can confidently lead the reins and guide students on a journey, showing them how the chemistry concepts are inter-related.

I am a better Chem tutor than I was last year. And I will only get better, in time to come.

With my credentials in English, I am confident that I won't fumble too badly if I just quit SP and open my tuition centre and go all out to secure students. My seven-month stay at SP has whetted my appetite for enterprise, simply because what Ricky said to me makes more sense as the days go by: If you are investing so much energy and effort in something, that something ought to be some thing you can call your own.

Hell Yes, as a man, I need this some thing to validate my existence.

Except that the thing that brings me joy, the thing that I am good at isn't something I particularly want to do as a full-time job. The world is so big. I know I will feel trapped within the four walls of my tuition centre and pine for the good ole days of email ping pong-ing in SP because it allowed me to meet people.

And Yes, I should give myself one tight slap. Am I unnecessarily complicating my life with my dos and don'ts?

So, I remain a salaried employee. A satisfied but restless one.