I have come to a stage in life where I think blogging is self-indulgent and lack the motivation to blog because nothing exciting enough happens anyway but I was looking at an ex-student's reflection for 2009 and his conviction behind his smooth-flowing words stirred the impulse in me to write now.

I think it's fitting to start this with a reference to an ex-student since the question that has consumed me last year was this: Do I regret spending my youth--the best years of my life--as a teacher?

It's a question hard for me to answer, especially since I went for a 4-hour writing test with Singapore Press Holdings (SPH). I resolved to be a journalist since sec 2 and that writing test seemed to be my last-ditch effort to make this adolescent dream a reality.

Indeed, this is when I learnt how determined I could be, for in the weeks after the verbal interview with SPH (I passed the writing test!), I called nearly every week to ask the HR personnel if I was selected as a translator. I wanted it so badly; this is the first time in which I felt for myself how this instinct to go seize what you want! was wired into my DNA as a descendant of the primitive caveman.

I didn't get a confirmation (or rejection, for that matter) from SPH after all. Ironically, maybe it worked out for the best that I didn't get a call after all, for I wouldn't then have to choose between SPH and SP. I will never, never forget how my director generously remarked "so, SP is lucky to have you" after I confessed to her that SPH never got back to me. No matter how overworked I am in SP this year, I shall hold on to that and try my best not to complain, for it's one of those remarks that cut straight to my core and warmed me to bits.

I guess it's fitting also that I spent two weeks as an exchange student at the Beijing Language and Culture University. It's nice to just sit back and observe a fellow professional and think about how well she was teaching. The Chinese professors follow the conventions of a successful lesson quite naturally--they detailed learning objectives, summed up the lesson by giving a task and followed up on the task the next lesson. More importantly, they appeared to be knowledgeable on their subject area and if there's one thing I'm impressed about the Chinese, it's the way they appear so profound and cultured with their liberal use of cheem-sounding bombastic phrases. To some end, it kinda fired me up to want to do better after I returned to Singapore.

I was about to end this with a comment about how gratified I felt yesterday when I saw how some of my students' RWP reports were shaping up but as I was writing this, I was chatting with Sophea, my tour guide in Cambodia who was also an ex-teacher. Before long, we were swopping horror stories regarding the woes of teaching. Apparently, in Cambodia, some school principals punish teachers who are unable to finish the syllabus at the end of the year. There is even a running joke about how parents will fail to give the teacher credit when their children are performing well but will readily pinpoint the blame on him when their children don't do well. Sounds familiar?

"Teachers lead sad and tragic lives everywhere," I commented, only half in jest.

I guess I feel that I have not yet "conquered" teaching. So, it is all right if I am still in teaching. I'm not so sure whether this justifies the heartaches and qualifies as youth well-invested but I think I am coming to be at peace with myself these past few months. It's a comfortable feeling