I didn't write anything for a long time as these months have been, to me, the worst of my entire life. My marriage entered into a very deep crisis and I couldn't manage to get out of it.
Starting from next Monday I won't wake up any longer in the same house where my wife and my daughters live. I won't see their smile, I won't hear their voices, I won't be able to hug or to kiss them. I have tried whatever I could to save my family but, at the end, I had to surrender to the fact that there is nothing I can do anymore. It is not on me and probably it has never been.
It caught me completely by surprise when it happened some months ago. I was aware that something was simply not right and I made the mistake to think it was a temporary phase depending on the fact that twins daughters can be very demanding to handle and don't leave you any time or space for yourself when they are so little.
I thought we would have had time, me and my wife, to begin from where we left before they came and start over at least some of our life as a couple, but I was wrong. Whatever the reason she changed completely attitude towards me and cut me off from her life completely. Once her maternity leave expired, she started with social networks and became literally addicted. Hours and hours spent on chat apps and Facebook like nothing else exists. She also had some flirts that I discovered by chance and that she denied regardless of all the evidences. She escaped to that illusionary world probably overwhelmed by our daily obligations and thee she thinks she has found a safe shelter.
I have never been a fan of social networks, but I have learnt to hate them even more: they can be like a drug for people who find themselves in troubles with real life.
I am wondering what will be with our daughters, whether she will realize that once alone she will have to carry an even heavier load on her shoulders because I won't be able to be constantly there to help. I wonder whether she will take this further liability or will try to escape even further from them.
I have spent countless nights sleeping two or three hours at most, but many more sleepless ones are waiting for me. It's awful to feel myself so powerless.
It happened to me many times in the past to think that everything was so damn beautiful that something horrible had to happen. I was telling to myself just to ward bad luck off, but never I had imagined that one day it would have had seriously happened.
Now I'm there and I don't know anymore what to do. In my head their sweet eyes and around me only ashes and desperation.