The hard thing about getting older is that you end up acknowledging the things you can't do anymore far too frequently. Just like the brain and body change as you move from youth to adulthood prime, so they both change as you move into older adulthood and ultimately senior years. Today I realized yet again another chapter in my capability is closing and a new chapter is starting.

Life Phases Go in Ten

For the last decade I've had a prolific learning and training phase. That has resulted in, among other things, another full bachelors degree, some 11 associate degrees in everything from psychology to network administration, and at least 5 skill certificates as well. It also allowed me to hold down two jobs and put out a tremendous amount of technical content as well. However, something happened to me in the last year which came to a culmination with my recently being seriously sick for the first time in a while as well. My brain changed.

Changes Start Slowly

I could sense the shift was coming when I look back on it now. Again, for years, I've enjoyed an ability to be extremely analytical under high pressure, which in turn enabled me to keep branching out and developing new skills. But in the last two years I was starting to slow down. The ability burn and churn wasn't as strong anymore, I was getting disillusioned, and I was becoming tired more often (which was really weird normally being a night owl). At work we call it burnout, but this was different. And I was resisting acknowledging it. Instead, I kept up the fight and took on my latest training challenge.

One More Moment on Stage

At first, I had momentum and I was doing well, but I really just fooling myself. Deep in the back of my head, I knew my ability to notch off one more degree, a particularly technical one was a joke. I just didn't want to admit the truth, until today. This morning I ripped off the curtain; I can't achieve another degree anymore. My brain doesn't hold things anymore the way it used to stick and, more importantly, I don't have the motivation to really try either. That specific element is the most critical one. Even when I didn't have all the answers, motivation still helped me bull through challenges. Not today. It's just not there anymore. 

Judgment Day

So, I've fundamentally accepted my life is changing once again, and not necessarily the way I would most immediately prefer. It's a hard thing to accept you can't do something anymore or be honest with yourself about what your new limits are. But that's also where wisdom comes from rooted in experience. I'm not losing my marbles quite yet; instead, I'm simply being frank with myself that my skills, my older brain and my abilities are rooted in other talents now versus trying to keep acquiring new ones. That said, part of me is a bit sad.

I loved learning.