Dear Diary,
Easter is a time we all celebrate when christian jesus rose from the dead to eat chocolate and prank his friends, and in Ireland it’s called the Easter Rising. This year, Irish people are commemorating it by rising up from their isolation chambers to brave the Viral storm and travel to their Holidays Homes in various parts of the countries, which is such a brave thing to do but you can’t blame them because they’ve been sitting at home for 2 weeks now and there’s only 5 episodes of Tiger king and the weather is so sunny and nice that even sleepy jesus couldn’t resist, so brave. Some people were not happy with this but if the governments tell you to stay at home and you have more than 1 home then you can isolate in any one of them it’s allowed so shut up you’re jealous.
Irish churches are in trouble because they rely on money from their flock of sheep every week to stay open, so they are now accepting Bitcoin and priests are tweeting out their personal phone numbers so you can Revolut them funds. The Vatican is said to be worth about 15 billions dollars but the problem is that every church is a franchise so they have to pay to be able to use all the branding, merchandise, bread and wine from the Vatican. The governments have said they also can’t get the Unemployment benefits, it’s tricky because the churches don’t pay tax so they haven’t collected enough stamps to qualify.
The UK Prime BJ Johnson has doubled down on his promise to show the country that everythings going to be fine and we can all survive this by getting even sicker and having to Work From Hospital. He vows to show how great the NHS is by getting care from every facility they have before a full recovery. However, british peoples aren’t falling for his tricks and know that it’s just a cunning plan to keep them indoors while they build 5G masts. 5G is a very strong internet and there are many reasons why it is bad, it means that the governments don’t have to bother laying broadband cables all over the country as promised, it affects young peoples brains by overloading them with too much informations i think, and it is a known scientific fact that it speeds up the spread of Viral campaigns like corona. British Freedom Fighters have been committing acts of bravery all week pushing around Vodafone employees and burning and destroying 4G masts so they can’t add 1 to them cos we know what you’re up to sneaky.
Freedoms Lost
This week I wrote a love letter to all the freedoms that I took for granted that are now gone and no one's sure if they’ll ever be back.
No more burping at strangers as I cycle by,
Now everyone gives me a 2 metre berth I don’t know who’s avoiding me,
But they all smile nod say hello, but is that out of fear that i’ll burp at them,
The bourgeoisie in their silk masks with matching disposable leather gloves
Forced to reign in their tutting as it’s the number one cause
Of the spread of the disease,
Plus it’s impossible to tell which people in the unemployment line
Are laid off because of the virus or just lazy then who do we tut at it’s a real problem,
No more racism or xenophobia allowed because anyone could have the disease
And being wary of just minorities is way less exhausting so what’s the point,
I can’t wait for things to go back to normal
No more I won’t tip the delivery driver until I can see his face
And gauge how sorry he is my pizza is 3 minutes late,
Now it’s semi-automatic tipping and drive by shooting slices at me on the steps
Pride wounded cos I stumble dropping them
Hemorrhaging garlic-mayo dip,
Afraid to give money to the Homeless,
No more take this and buy yourself a warm Armani coat
There’s a 30% sale on in Brown Thomas, now they’ll spend it on chicken fillets
And sausage rolls for the front-line workers, Doctors Sans Frappacinos,
No more going to the doctor safe in the knowledge that your weird medical issues
Will only be shared between their families and other patients who like a laugh,
Our great Taoiseach back checking prostates in an official capacity
In an obvious attempt to gather our personal information first hand,
So he can use it against us,
Big Brother is watching and asking you to take off your pants.
Thanks Diary
SleepTalker
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