I honestly get a little chuckle out of thinking back to before the pandemic. Before all of the rules, regulation, and in my opinion the worst…imposed isolation. Being chronically ill caused me to have to follow a strict plan I could not really waver from. It allowed me to balance college, my health, and social activities. 

Come March though my entire life and health was thrown up in the air and changed in a very negative way. Humans are social creatures so being locked up in my one bedroom apartment by myself was hard. I initially thought that since I had dealt with isolation before I figured I was better adapt to handle the struggles. Since my neurosurgeries were in New York and I went to Texas A&M and lived in Houston being around people beside my mom/dad was not possible. 

Boy was I wrong though. As with everyone mental health became a huge issue but I was able to power though the rest of the Spring semester and graduate. From there I was able to find a temp job followed by a second and third. I have been very fortunate in that as it has been jobs that get me out and about. Even though Texas has opened up as much as it has I still see those around my suffering. They suffer from not only what went on this summer, but the acceleration of cases that is occurring and and the questions that leaves.

I managed to be a really good rock for most of my friends as I had a ton of different coping mechanisms that they could use. Most listened but sadly a few did not.

One of those that did not was one of my closest friends we met in a Golf class 2 1/2 years ago. For the entirety of the friendship I did what I could to protect it as from prior experience opening up on friends can easily scare them away. During the campaign I worked on I got stuck in a rut. I kept to myself and tried to work my way out of it as I had set up doctor appointments with all members of my health team. This friend of mine was/is a very caring person but always wanted to be let in as she saw I had my walls up.

After about a day I decided it’s been 2 1/2 years I can trust her and let down my walls to explain how I am really feeling. The negative reaction I received was truly disturbing. Between blaming me, accusing me of doing things I never did, and worst of all telling me I was crazy and needed professional help the friendship fell apart in mere hours. 

I have had to deal with people before putting me down and blaming me for things I cannot control but never to this point. Eventually I stopped responding to her as it was a lost cause and a couple of days later when I was feeling better reread the messages. 

I am not a big fan of throwing around labels that could be misconstrued but this was textbook gaslighting. She managed to flip on its head what I was saying and made me question myself. She tried to get me to doubt what was actually going on in my life and memories I had not only of the two of us but my own memories. The behavior she exhibited was truly vile and inexcusable.

This was a huge eye opening event that really has made me reevaluate how I let people treat me. I am a people pleaser and will let people treat me wrong but typically I am able to help them learn how what they did hurt me. This was sadly not the case and as such I had to make a choice I really hated to have to make. 

COVID has really given me a lot of time to realize what I am worth and how I do not have to take crap that people give me. Some people who were friends rapidly dropped me as I would stand my ground and not just be pushed over so they got what they wanted. This has been a huge thing for me that and not letting issues build in me till I exploded. This is the next step... really letting go of someone and not coming back seeing if they will take back what they said. I did not do anything wrong with expressing to someone how I feel when they asked me to let down my walls and let them in. Now it’s finally time to let them go and to move forward. 

I hope this inspires others to continue to better themselves. To remember you matter and you don’t have to role over for other people. I hope this post finds you well and if you would like to support me here are my Coinbase Earn referral links and it would be greatly appreciated if you would use them!

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