I try to be the most encouraging person despite the circumstances around me.

I thought I had cried the worse cry ever. I was wrong. When I think of grueling, I think of a solider that has his whole lower body blone to pieces, while his intestines dragged threw the sand as he was pulled to safety. 

I had a problem with my right leg. When I woke Monday morning my right leg was swollen as hard as cement and my foot swelling and so painful. So, I just do what I always do and over look it.... It will go away I said.

Tuesday it looked better but not 100%. It really started swelling Tuesday night. So Wednesday I said ok I must need to call my doctor. Got the answering service and they said a nurse would me right back. The nurse advised me to go to the ER. Nope..... I don't have COVID-19..... not going to catch it...

My primary care physician said that my leg has to be checked.... I was sent to a place that was not an ER. I used my own pin.... didn't touch much and when I had too hand sanitizer. 

They saw me right away. Went threw my right leg with an ultrasound. They called it a venous ultrasound. The good news was no blood clot. The tech didn't say much but I heard her talking to the other lady. Something about lymph nodes extremely large.

I got in my car....... grueling tears began to pour down my face. I thought God please let this be wrong.

I got home, and my precious Samantha saw me.... She ran into my arms saying Mommy Mommy I missed you. She almost saw the tears as I picked her up. 

Last night I tried to learn all I could about right leg groin lymph nodes.  I began to feel helpless that I could not fix this myself. So, to take my mind off things I cleaned. 

My doctor called me today. My husband Shawn laying on the bed..... she asked how I was.... said that I am good. She said well we have to go a couple of things. I said sure.

She read me the report. In my groin area where the lymph nodes are is something, she said the technician was not sure what. The technician and Radiologist observed either a mass or growth on 2 of my groin lymph nodes. The size is 3 by 2 by 1.5 which is cm.

A mass or growth...... These things are positioned in such a way that the reason my foot was turning colors like my big toe was purple was because they are not able to do their job properly.

Technically, whenever you have a cold, flu these lymph nodes help you fight the infection. When the infection leaves your lymph nodes return to normal. 

My doc said that we have to get me in to see a Vascular Surgeon ASAP.... She cited she didn't want me to loose my leg. I received a call today with an appointment for Monday. 

We have a smart lock on our bedroom door. I closed it after hanging up with my doctor. The gruesome crying began again. I thought God why in the hell am I going threw this? Like please face me and tell me why. Why? 

I thought back to when I had pain there and blew it off... the chills especially at night... I never said anything. Why? Because from the time I left the military till 2018, the VHA which is Veterans Healthcare told me that I was faking.... yes they did..

They told me that I was healthy. Yes they did.

They wrote in my medical records that I just wanted attention so much that I made up these problems. 

In fear, worried about what my new doctors would think of me I stayed away.... I didn't want them to think that I made these things up because I wanted attention. Damn me..... 

Even being away from Department of Veterans Affairs a mental grip they still had in my head. They managed to take all my hope away because I was afraid... afraid of what other doctors might say. Would they reject treating me? 

No, they wouldn't. 

I am home praying.....  

Praying that this is just a really nasty infection. That I don't have another disease, that I won't loose my leg and that this is not cancer. 

You know I was never really afraid before but I am now. I think about my beautiful girls, especially Samantha. She will 5 in July.... I hold her tightly and snuggle......

I turn 41 on May Day..... never did I think this is where I would be. 

I understand we need to remain positive, not thinking negatively. This is so hard at the moment. The only thing I came up with is at least I don't COVID-19. 

Thanks for reading. 

I will update when I know more.

Most Sincerely,

Christina