My first marriage ended 16 years ago. I wish I could say that was when my relationship with my ex also ended, but as we have a child together, that wouldn’t be accurate. The sexual part of our relationship was over long before the actual marriage.

At least, I thought it was.

We spent the last year of our marriage in a constant fight. I had reached my limit of being abused and treated like garbage and finally started speaking up for myself. The final straw was when he moved another woman into our home, without talking to me first.

After meeting this woman, who was supposed to be our third, I made the decision I couldn’t personally be involved with her, sexually. She came with way more baggage than I was comfortable with, coupled with serious mental health issues that weren’t being properly treated.

But my ex was enamored.

When she called him one morning, distraught at being controlled by her parents, who she still lived with at 24 years old, he rushed to her aid and brought her to our home. That’s the night I started sleeping on the couch and never went back.

Many years after the demise of our marriage, I was going through a separation from another husband. I was truly single for the first time since the breakup of my first marriage. My intention was to stay single for awhile and enjoy the freedom that came with it.
At that point, I was ending my third marriage and knew I needed to take some time to myself and figure out what was going wrong.

My ex, apparently, had other ideas.

It’s important to note, my first husband and I had not had a happy or even civil relationship since our divorce. Suffice it to say, I was completely blown away when he came to me and asked me on a date.

My third husband and I had been separated for about a month when this shocking revelation came flying out of my ex’s mouth.

He called me one evening and asked if he could come down to talk to me about something important. Less than a month prior, his long term girlfriend passed away due to complications from gastric bypass surgery. I had a feeling I knew what he wanted to discuss and was happy to oblige.

The previous year, I spent tens of thousands of dollars taking him to court to regain custody of our son. Although I willingly allowed our son to go live with him a few years prior, my ex refused to let our son come back home to me when he was ready. The judge ruled in his favor, stating it was better for our son to remain in the home he was accustomed to, rather than move two hours away.

My son and I were both devastated, but there was nothing to be done.

Once my ex’s girlfriend passed away, the stress of being a single parent dawned on my ex. He worked full-time, over 60 hours per week, and didn’t have the bandwidth to be a parent. I had a feeling this was the conversation he wanted to have, and I was right.

What I didn’t know, was he also wanted to discuss the potential for us dating, again.

I can’t express enough how surprised I was at his request. When we separated, he made it abundantly clear I was not for him. After almost 10 years of catering to his every whim and withstanding every type of abuse imaginable, apparently, I wasn’t good enough for him.

After getting over the initial shock of his request, I had to stop myself from laughing.

While I understood being lonely after losing a partner, what I didn’t understand was why someone who actively abused me for 10 years and kept my son from me out of spite was coming to me looking to begin a relationship again.

Nothing in my behavior over the 12 years we had been apart denoted interest on my behalf.

And that’s the kicker. What I wanted didn’t matter any more then than it did when we were together. He wanted what he considered an easy relationship to jump into and he didn’t care what I wanted. His deceased girlfriend took care of him, their house, and the children. Being forced to do that all on his own was a task he didn’t want.

I didn’t want it either.

The conversation about our son coming home happened first, for which I’m thankful. We came to an agreement where my son would finish the school year with his dad, then move home as soon as school ended.

I politely declined his request to date. I had a friend with benefits at that point and utilized our status as a reason to reject my ex husband. Knowing how he was, simply telling him I wasn’t interested wouldn’t have ended the conversation.

He tried numerous times after that initial conversation to engage me in dating or just flat out sex. Luckily, I knew that might happen and made sure to bring someone else with me to any meeting we had. Protecting myself was important.

Exes are that for a reason. I’m thankful I was at a point in my life where I finally had enough self-esteem to realize I deserved better. I met my current husband a few months later and couldn’t be happier.

The feeling of comfort that we get from a known quantity is never reason enough to go back to something that was toxic for us.