“We should get a bong”

In the beginning we weren’t smoking every day. The fun we had was with each other. Celebrating the newfound freedom of being a student with only each other. Pretending to live adult lives with our own flat.

The last flat we lived in before covid was a freezing cold place, with crappy electric heaters that cost too much for us to heat the place or dry our clothes. It had her pink Scotland flag hanging in the hallway. We had printed photos of ourselves and of our other friends. There were also printed memes. The one stuck to the bathroom was of a cartoon woman throwing a baby. It was called baby yeet.

She was gifted a six foot cardboard cutout of Ainsely Harriet which stood tall and proud in the corner of our living room. It had brown carpet and brown sofas to match. We spent countless days there, watching British tv, smoking joints, and eating food. It was bliss.

Smoking weed slowly but surely began ruling my life. The birthday presents V and I got each other were joints or other paraphernalia. Pink rolling papers. She owned a bong with pink love hearts on it. I loved smoking weed.

I enjoyed the feeling it gave me. Finding a reliable dealer and picking up was a sport in itself in uni. By the end of uni and in to our adult lives we found someone who posted out to us. Next day delivery.

.The memories I have with V and the homes we shared together are ones I will cherish forever. To cope with her sudden loss, which is what it felt like to me, I began spending longer hours at the library. I threw myself fully in to fourth year of university.

And it paid off. I received the best feedback I received out of the 4 years I spent working for that degree. Throughout the four years it was almost like it was an additional task to the main one. Which was to have fun. It was carefree. We didn’t have the same worries life gives us now.

I’m reminded of how I felt at university when I began spending all of my time at the University of Toronto. It began with working from there to apply for other jobs. When that didn’t start paying off, I began working on my own projects. For the first time in my life I began working for myself.

And I loved it. I felt so empowered, teaching myself how to code. Which progressed to building my own website, writing my book. Creating a business plan. Reading about finance.

I had never felt more passionate about anything like this before. I was having all sorts of ideas. A mentorship programme, my own fund. I can do anything I thought. Vowing to myself to start learning to code and seeing where it took me was the best thing I could do for myself.

It helped me realise that I didn’t have to keep doing unfulfilling jobs for the rest of my life. Where I felt like my full potential and mind was not being utilised. That I could spend my time working on projects I felt passionate about. Like how I did in fourth year of university. Creating a research project for a topic I had chosen. Conducting the market research for it, doing a presentation about it. Demonstrating nuanced knowledge about something like no one could.

That is the feeling I have been wanting. I just didn’t know that until now.

Spending them countless hours in the University of Toronto library has helped me realise, that I have a lot more to offer the world. That a 9-5 job just isn’t. I refuse to be unhappy for any longer than I have been already.

Getting clean from weed was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. It ruled my life. It was an addiction. It’s an addiction I now see in others. Maybe a part of the reason I went to Canada in the first place was because it was legal there. ow that I’ve been sober for over a month at the time of writing this. I look back with sadness at my past self. Who relied on it so heavily to help carry the trauma I had endured.

The only way it even came to the attention of my family and friends was when I began posting my content. The books said to love yourself in spite of your flaws. To be authentic and to share it with the world. That’s what I did. I celebrated my investment by sparking up and letting them all see it.

After that I received emails from people calling me an addict. A junkie. Without even being fully aware of it, everything I did seemed to come at a price. One by one I began losing the respect my loved ones once had for me. In the process of self-improvement the relationship I now have with V is one I sadly don’t see continuing. And it breaks my heart.

Here is another thing that a lot of women like me, who are consistently single whilst their friends get in to relationships realise. You put your friends first because you don’t have a partner. Whilst you are no longer first for them. Almost if not all of my long term friendships were with people who were in relationships. They were with people who took me for granted. Sadly, I’ve come to the realisation that for now, I have to end all the long term relationships I did have with my friends. To throw myself in to my research paper. Because the results will speak for themselves.

For a while I was even tempted to become a dealer myself. Thankfully I never went through with it. Equally, my heart broke for the young mainly Pakistani boys that were. They were taken advantage of, some as young as 16/17. They were given the promise that they could be ballers. Countless lives are ruined by drugs and its not necessarily because of addiction. Although that plays a huge role in contributing to the thriving business it is now. Legal or not. Weed is easy to source. You just have to be savvy like most stoners are.