I am currently married to a navy man. We bought our first house together, and have four dogs, and two cats; its everything I never thought I would have. I am in school for law and I'm chasing my dreams. I met my husband at the perfect time, and I manifested this all into my life. It wasn’t an easy road though. It was losing everything, an abusive relationship, running away, many years of being single, isolated, hurt, lost and most of all broken. P!nk was not lying when she sang “let the walls crack ‘cause it lets the light in”. I let that light in by healing what had been broken for so long. I couldn’t have done it alone though I had to open up to help. I did it with the help of a wonderful therapist named Jamie Bonaiuto. I want to give her a shout-out and tell you to check out her podcast here. She has been my therapist since June 2021. I am so blessed to have found her and she has changed my life in so many incredible ways. I want to be realistic here and not set anyone up for disappointment if they seek therapy - you don't always find the perfect fit your first go. I had seen nine other therapists from fifteen to twenty-five before finding one that worked. If you don't like the one you find - find another. 

I started going to therapy because I realized that nothing was really going to change if I didn't change it. This was step one; wanting to change my life. It's the step that is so underappreciated. That first step of getting into therapy can be an anxiety-inducing task and you deserve a round of applause for taking that step. I found therapy through Teladoc. I liked the idea that I could stay isolated at home, I didn't have to see a face or be in person. They had no clue what I looked like so it made it easier to open up. At times I would talk to Jamie on the phone in a closet with the light off so it seemed even less like I was talking to anyone. Looking back I really did everything I could during this time to make sure I spoke about all the things I had trapped inside me that were devouring my spirit. (Go past me!)

During one of our early sessions, Jamie started working with me on how to increase my sense of self-worth and take my power back. I needed to take power away from my fear. In this case, we were discussing romantic relationships. After our session, I started writing, and I wrote for an hour or more. I wrote down the five love languages and differentiated which ones I place importance on giving and which ones I need to be given. I wrote down what I wanted in a partner - the none negotiables. The most important part of this though was when I wrote my fears about love. I'm going to share some of what I wrote now.

-I fear I will negatively affect my partner because I am trans. -I fear my body will not be enough. -I fear my partner's pride and love for me will be conditional. -I fear that I will be lied to, manipulated, and cheated on. -I fear that I will be the bad guy when I need something. -I fear my partner will get comfortable, take me for granted or stop trying.  (There are many more but we will stop there)

Then I began summarizing these fears

-I fear I will fall in love with a deceitful man, but that I will not see that he is. -I fear I will fall in love with a man who doesn't know what he wants. -I fear I will be betrayed. -I fear I will fall in love with a man who lacks self-respect or respect for me. 

Then I broke it down 

-I fear that my past will repeat in a way I won't recognize. -I fear I will be manipulated and won't see it. 

Then I broke it down it again

-I fear I have not learned to love myself enough to walk away from red flags. I fear I will be gullible. I fear I am too weak or stupid.

That's when I came to the truth

-I fear that everything my ex, my past, said I was - I still am. 

(This was the life-changing realization that now gave me the power I had previously given away)

I'm not going to paint the picture that after this everything was great and I instantly found love. There was still a lot of work to do, healing to do, and spiritual growth to endure. I met my husband a year later - it may be sooner for some later for others. Your story is unique - don't rush the process. ITs about loving yourself first, and healing so you always hold your power and self-worth. Today I still struggle with these things at times, but I have enough power, a strong enough sense of self-worth, my husband (who I talk openly with about any anxiety I may have at the moment), and of course my therapist to get me through these moments. This was just the start of the journey. I'm sharing it with you so that anyone can see that my fears all boiled down to one simple fear that branched. We can all heal, and sometimes it takes seeing that someone else did for us to get the strength to do it. I hope this helps one person feel like they can do it. You can have any job, any ideal, any life you want. It all starts with you, and I promise you are capable and worthy. 

I'm putting some links below for you to check out and remember You are NOT alone. You ARE worthy. You ARE capable. You ARE deserving. You ARE seen. You ARE heard. You ARE loved. You ARE appreciated. You ARE Enough. 

I cant wait to see how amazing your story turns out <3 - Regina 

If you are suicidal, feel like hurting yourself or know someone who is Call or text 988

For Trans or LGBT Youth I suggest  you check out Youth outright here - I participated in them in my teenage years and they can be a wonderful place to find support or meet friends. If the hyperlink doesn't work copy and paste https://www.youthoutright.org/ 

If you need immediate support in a time of crisis, please contact Trans Lifeline - at 877-565-886 

A simple google search is often the best way to find support, answers, and those who are like you. 

If you liked what you read follow me! Feel free to tip as it helps me, but do not feel obligated. I appreciate you taking the time to read what I had to say and hope it helped someone, even if it's only one.