Stability and fucking up.

Stability and fucking up.

By Jawbone | Blogx | 6 Feb 2019


I was so frustrated this morning I nearly cried. I haven't cried , not from sadness and frustration anyway, for months. Blah. Here's what happened...

My kids have started back at school, two in high school one still in primary, happy days. As is the norm the last couple of years I've had to buy their text books one at a time as we travel through the first few weeks back. That was the situation this morning, my daughter needed a humanities book,  book store here we come. The book wasn't in stock so we dutifully lined up at the orders counter and waited, there was a fair line, not crazy but still. Nobody was talking, it was like some automated factory process, a conveyor belt of parents waiting to be processed, not unlike cattle waiting at the milking shed door. I placed our order, changed our details on the system and then had a moment of anxiety after the salesperson told me the price. $95.00. For a text book of maybe 200 pages. A text book that we may get $20.00 for next year if it's kept in pristine condition. A text book that would have cost maybe a tenth of that to produce. Anyway I didn't have the motivation to start a revolution at this point so Ipaid, thinking about the crap food we would have to eat for the next few days which in turn led me to venting against my ex and her absolute dis-interest in helping in any practical way with the kids. Her ability to put herself first and still have the balls to expect money from me is absolutely her super power. Unfortunately, and I truly regret this, I vented to my daughter. She is just starting to make peace with her mum after hating her for nearly two years. Something that I have been encouraging and am grateful, for my daughters sake, is coming to pass.

 

Yes I'm struggling financially, yes it pisses me off no end that I have an ex who refuses to work and honestly believes the world owes her a living but no, no I shouldn't have let this out to my daughter. I've tried very hard to avoid doing exactly this over the years, I haven't always been successful but the slips are rare and certainly didn't come at such a crucial time in the mother daughter relationship. Also my daughter took it as an attack on her because of the rediscovered mother/daughter bond.

 

“I'm allowed to love both my parents.” Came her reply, her head bowed, eyes on her lap, her tone approaching guilty.

 

Damn it Adam, why the fuck did you do that? I told her that of course she could and that I am in fact very happy she and her mum where so successfully building bridges. I can be an idiot sometimes I really can. I guess we all can. We aren't perfect and passion isn't known to be patient and understanding. The day after I asked the kids if they heard from their mum, something that I do, my daughter almost instantly came back with “Why do you always have to bring her up?” So some damage has been done, bloody hell. Some damage has been done to all 3 of them, all four of us, five counting my ex wife. I remember when access was 50/50 with the kids, they never called anywhere home. It was just mum or dads, not home. My youngest, back then very young, told me he felt as though he were always on a sleepover. I tried to to encourage the belief that they had two homes but it never really stuck, in my humble opinion the only people that benefit from 50/50 are the parents.

 

Kids should have a base, a place to lay roots. My ideal situation is kids living with 1 parent, the other parent having every second weekend and half school holidays, the kids having the option of spending more time as they get older. Stability, a firm base, without it creating something amazing is far more difficult.

 

Just like our lives our body need stability, strength to carry us through whatever our day has in store and well beyond. I've chatted about myself and my situation enough now for you to have an idea of where I'm at so I feel it's time to start with some exercise related discussion. Next blog I'm going to get us started with our workout plan and talk a little more about my journey to here. I intend to start us off, yes us I'm going to put myself through everything I'd like to see you doing, slowly so stay tuned.

 

Adam

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Jawbone
Jawbone

Single full time father.


Blogx
Blogx

My own story, as I live it. How I deal with depression while raising 3 kids alone, my adventure trying to make it big with crypto and my love for exercise all rolled into one blog :)

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