Somewhere in my early twenties I had a lot of friends. Or at least a lot of people I called friends. We'd go out together, text in group chats, keep up with each other's news. It felt full and social and good.

Then life moved around, as it does. People changed cities. Got busy in different ways. The group chats went quiet. I went from something like 20 people I'd call friends to maybe 4 or 5.

I expected to feel like I'd failed at something. Instead I mostly felt relieved.

I think the model of adult friendship we inherit from our twenties is actually really stressful to maintain. A wide network of people you are vaguely keeping up with, attending events for, staying visible to. It requires a lot of energy and delivers fairly shallow returns. A lot of breadth, not much depth.

Having fewer, closer friends changed the texture of my social life entirely. Every conversation was with someone who actually knew me. Who remembered what I'd said last time. Who I could be completely unguarded around without worrying about how it would land.

That's the part nobody tells you when you are young and collecting friends. Not all social connection is equal. 15 acquaintances don't add up to 1 good friend.

I am not anti-social and I am not saying relationships don't matter. They clearly do. But I think there's something worth questioning about the assumption that more is better when it comes to friendships. Depth and breadth are genuinely in tension. You can't maintain real closeness with 20 people at once.

Choosing depth over breadth was one of the better social decisions I have made. Even if it looks quieter from the outside.