The respect that I need for my own self. No feelings to spare. A barrier that blocks everything.

I chased the desire to be normal, to react normally. A slight misstep and I am in an endless pain of loathing, figuring things out.

I figured out that acting indifferent is a form of protection. It ascends into simply not giving a fuck. A balance between remaining a deviant and being inconsequential to others. Revealing this can easily be misunderstood as arrogance. Performance and execution matter.

Whatever the logic, there is no reason to be a prick. The basic human standards of empathy can be demonstrated. If not present at all, they can be learned. Instead of fixating on words like “whatever” or “I don’t care,” conveying and communicating matters. Otherwise, the overall weight of it is destroyed.

The problem revolves around external blame. The focus should be internal peace. Find solace in the fact that no matter how much someone loves you, or claims they cannot live without you, a thinking human will still blame others. If not in that instance, the mind shifts to other times of being wronged. Anger and arguing are only external validations. They can never be a source of fulfillment.

We are dangerous. We suffer and want others to know, in any capacity. We leave hints. Even the medium of taking one’s life becomes a marker of being misunderstood. This happens unconsciously.

Think about it. Any time you try to spare someone, or act as the bigger person, a euphoria sets in. It is very easy to let that euphoria take over and still remain disobedient.

That is the hardest aspect, and the one with the most burden.