Some might call it creative writing, some say I might just be talking randomly. I don't know yet where this is going, nor what it will cause. But here is the idea. For a month I will write down some words without a script, without a previous mind mapping or any of those fancy things. It is simply me, sitting down every day for 30 minutes, writing what pops into my head. I intended to make this via videos, but it is too much of a hassle where I am with the internet, and also I am a bit shy and this is probalby enough exposure for me for now. Who knows. So yeah, welcome, dear person, to reading along here. I am very thankful that you take the time to read this, because I know there is an abundance of stuff you could read and your time is precious and scarce, so I appreciate it a lot that you take some of your time and read this. 

My intention is to tell you a little bit about my experiences in life and my knowledge, because it is part of my souls purpose. I have lived a very different life in the past years than most people and have come to experience incredible and quite unbelievable things in these past years. I have lived with the poor, eaten with the rich, I have seen a lot of darkness and witnessed the power of gratitude and that it prospers mostly there, where life is dyer, where many things lack and much is needed. In these past years I have changed much of how I see the world and many times I came to realize that it is always up to me how I view things and that that can be changed anytime. It was hard, it was very tough at times, but I am thankful for every experience I have had. Life started to teach me, that it really does not matter, you will encounter and experience things, because it is the time, it is needed, it is meant to happen. Now I know this can really throw people off, that have experienced really hard, tough and traumatizing experiences. But what I try to say is, that we can not run from life and its intention to have us experience things really. I have tried, and I have come to learn that we mostly keep attracting what we try to run from or avoid. And that should maybe be one of the first wise sayings here, because it is a very intertangled thing to really grasp and inegrate in ones life. And y no means am I trying to tell you what to do, actually, I am just trying to tell myself that everything is ok and that things happen, that it is not about living a perfect life and finding that moment where all is good and perfect, it is non existant. I have come to innerstand or comprehend that, as my mom used to say, there is no way to happiness, but happiness IS the way. Now, if you think of it carefully, it means that no chasing is needed. Whether it is money, abundance, supplements, people, things, items, moments, even experiences, there will not be that THING or TIME that you will 'get there', 'have it' and 'find happiness'. It can't be found in that sense. There is no way towards that moment or experience really. It is more a choice you make in a moment. Me choosing to happy right now, no matter what and where I am. I choose to not have one reason to not be happy. I can do that if I choose so. It is within one of the wonders of humans: our creativity. I can find something to be happy about, be it so simply small and meaningless to the average, yet to me it could become the most significant thing or happening in that moment as it makes me happy. A decision. 

For many years I have been searching happiness and especially trying to sort and figure myself as to why I haven't found it yet. I have thought about it, written about it, complained about it, searched for answers, I drank my teas and medicines, had my constellations and therapies, my experiences and avoidances, and yet I have always returned to the very same point of realization. I have yet not found it and whenever I thought I did that very moment itself became the one I thought I lost it. It will, no matter what you try, bring you back to the point you might try to avoid the most: yourself. It is completely up to you. And you might already know this, but this actually is the hardest part of it. You yourself have to make the decision to be happy. No one can be it for you, no one can make you be it, no one can take that decision from you nor take the happiness from you. Accepting this though will lead to a whole cascade of things happening. One of maybe the most crucial and hard parts to overcome is, to not play a victim anymore. There is no room for a victim in this mindset. Because a victim is not in control and will certainly not choose to be happy. A victim wants recognition, the poor me wants to be justified, treated as a special one and they are quite righteous. And the worst is, it wont end. Ever. Up until the point where you decide that it ends. My personal story of this would be my first girlfriend. I grew up in a wonderful place with wonderful people. My first girlfriend was the ONE for me, so I thought. But life decided I need to go another route. I myself thought I can change my fate, which might work for a while, but there comes the day, it simply crumbles and the defenses go down and one is left with a battlefield and much pain. I had to learn the hard way. Tried to keep the realtionship going for any means and at any cost. It almost cost my own will of living. I kept pushing forward and keeping the relationship alive, while I knew it is a high price I am paying: my integrity, my joy, my freedom. But I thought that is good. The relationship failed big time, my biggest fears became real and ate me for lunch...

I guess that was it for today. Have a good one and see you tomorrow.