Well, it happened again. I did again not write for a while. But my new goal is to simply get to 30 posts, and then I will try again. But anyways, how is everyone? 

(music I listened to while writing)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY1IXtyyRp0

I am having a pretty good time. After a rather wild full moon week, with many purges and emotions (right?), we are now in a phase of new beginnings. At least that is what I think we are in. At least for me it feels like that. I feel as if I simply can let go of old barriers, blockages, pains. It seems as if it became a bit clearer of what it is that I want and of where I want to go. In a very real way I came to realize that time here is indeed limited and we really know for how much longer we will manifest joy and miracles on planet earth before we go back home. You know, if you think about it: how often did you try to play it safe? How often did you try to have a backup plan, trying to stay in control? I have done for about what, since primary school maybe. I remember that before I was 12 years old, I would just go for it. The moments were just what counted. Nothing else mattered. Consequences, other people's opinion, potential dangers. It was all but a game. And it was. I have had many encounters of grown ups beating me up for my silly ideas, doings and not listenings. I would just go ask the girl and be real upfront, honest. I would just kiss her. I would just throw the snowball against the cars and break into old houses, exploring the unknown. I would go into the properties of adults that seemed a danger or just odd, and we would see how far we could go. And often enough my mom had to drag me back and make me apologize, or pay for the damage. And somehow, I feel that I find step by step back to this inner wild, inspired, curious me that is so interested in stuff and wants to just experience. Whenever I break things down, all I want is to have fun and do something good for others. But over the past years I did not really go for any of the ideas I had, because I would be scared of the consequences, the denial and disapproval. So there would be an idea, I would create a concept in my mind and then, eventually make two three steps, only to let it go again as soon as I would see some entity, group or individual could give me crab for it. And as there is many people with various ways of seeing things and approving or disapproving whatever for whatever reason in whatever situation, I could be certain that I would never make a step if I would not stop considering everyone's opinion. I am a people pleaser, yes. But the longer I would do this, the less good I felt about myself. There would be less and less drive in a way. I would also stop trusting in me that I could do anything as I would start procrastinating due to other people's judgement. 

That is why I told myself that I would just keep writing here anyways, and NO MATTER WHAT. I wanted to do this, for me. I want to proof me different. And in some way, it has given me some drive. I have started to go for my dream and even though I know I will encounter many obstacles and tough times, I would be happier suffering them than not suffering them because I would have not tried. People say you only fail as long as you don't try or you as soon as you stop trying. So I guess we just have to learn not to give up if we truly want something. It will come with consequences, but so will any decision. But as my mom used to say: you can't really take a wrong decision, as long as you decide. Not deciding might though be the only wrong thing to do. Well, I am a libra, I tend to take a bit more of a struggle here, but I have come a long way and learned a lot. And I start to understand that it all makes sense in a way. I mean, I would not know the strength and power of taking my time for deciding but also deciding on the first impression without checking all options, would I not have come such a long way. I had days, many days, where I would cry and bite myself because I would not be able to decide. I would have people bitch at me because I would sit in front of a menu and did not know what I wanted. I did not know where to look for in order to get a solution. Price? What the other would eat? Their reactions to my decision? Too many variables and no clue of my inner cravings. So the menu became a cluster of words that I no longer could read the meaning from and as pressure grew, I would simply pick something people picked. So I learned from all these moments. And I would not know what I know now, would I not have had the hard times. And also would I not feel such a power within me to do the things I like, would I not have had plenty of moments without any drive and no force to do anything. And while it does feel better to have a direction, a meaning, I would not want to have missed the time without direction, meaning, drive. Because I would not have had so much time undoing all the fake meanings of things and goals people reach for, I would not have had the liberation of the fact that I can actually do whatever I want, but I would have made a good choice if I do what I really want, not what I think I want or what I should do. And so through the painful moments I only could find my true inner beliefs, my core self and what it longs for. It does long for meaning, but in a deeper sense, it craves appreciation, but from myself. I start to feel that I become more and more self realized and it feels as if that is maybe the ultimate goal of life: to find your true self and what it longs for, without considering your families ideas of you, your friends hopes and reactions, your culture's rules and forms. And while one or two might say that is totally selfish and silly and hypocrite as not everyone can do so, you might be true. But even that might be just a cultural concept: who said being selfish in this regard is bad? Would a Gandhi be considered selfish because he did not do what other told him and because he was so radical? Or would it be selfish to not do what his heart really longed for, only to please his culture, family and friends because he would feel better about himself and get approval from outside? And which decision do you think would make him happier? 

I did for a long time think of things like this and still do not have an answer. And maybe there is no need for an answer, but just examples of individual stories that show how they dealt with these questions and what the outcome of their decisions were. And as manyone said, "we are just God reincarnate to experience". So maybe either way would be correct and good in a way. And hence I see reason to learn to let go of (in my case) fears of what others say because in the end, I would prefer to able to say: I went for my dreams, I tried, and well yes, it was quite an experience and boy it was not always fun, but I would not want to change any of it". Doesn't that motivate to try? It does for me. And I look forward to it. 

Just like the kid I once was, I feel that drive to just go for it, try, do, feel, enjoy and learn. 

Thank you.