I have taken a break from my day to day life and enjoyed some holiday without a computer, which was awesome. I told myself, even with the promise to write every day, that its ok to take a break the circumstances were good. I did by purpose not take a computer with in order to really take a break from all the PC related stuff I do.
I hesitate to write about the fact that I have again the same issue arising as I had many times before. For years I have been trying to figure out the source of the problem and have been meditating, feeling, writing. And while observing people and see their own stories play out in their lifes and hence them struggling with life situations and happenings, I admit that it can be incredibly hard to understand them sometimes. What is a feeling and how to know whether it is true or just a mask of another feeling and what is the reasoning behind it? For my specific point that I find myself in today, I do not know. I have come here many times and I know exactly where I feel it, but no matter whether I talk, tap, sing or write, it seems to just settle a bit and lingers in the shadows of my unconscious only to arise again later. And whenever it comes back, it makes my daily coping strategies very questionable as they seem no longer to work. Ignoring it, avoiding it, masking it, or focusing upon it, it seems that I can still not find the solution. And I know, everything that happens is a part that we need to experience to grow, to advance, to learn as life is a school, it can be so incredibly hard as we might face our whole way of life, perceptions, beliefs and points of security being questioned and eventually crumble. Nothing can grow new if the old doesn't die off, but letting it go is so hard as we are so used to it, Even if it is not beneficial at all, for any part involved.
I could go on about it and question all things on earth, but what then? I guess I just change the topic. And I guess the reason is, because I feel a deep judgement about myself that it might be too serious, dark, sad, maybe depressing? Maybe it is a trigger from my really early days. Maybe it is a fear very deep, glooming and waiting patiently to be brought to light and loved. I have some ideas. It is that part of me, that I am learning to control as it has had control over me for years. It might be a part of the OCD that showed up in my earlier lifes. A deep sense of unrest in me that can't get a correct and definite solution. always a possibility of messing up somehow, making it wrong.
But GOD led me to places and people that could help me. most of them in an unconscious way, some very conscious. One of them is my dear friend, who was there for me, no matter what. He would guide me through my darkness and lead a way when I had no way, no coping strategy. And I know that I am very lucky as many people do not have what I have. They do not have someone that can help them sort themselves, that can guide them through the dark holes. So I remember yesterday, where through a series of emotions I came to think that maybe it is my turn to give what I can give to the world. I should maybe trust in GOD and do what it is, I can do. And so I read some peoples hands. It is one of my hobbies. And of the 5 people I read, they all were amazed. A tough big guy, drunk, told me, he struggles with his anger and he never knew his dad and the things I told him make a lot of sense and that he was very thankful. A girl got excited as I told her it is all about creativity and that she is incredibly psychic. Today, a girl cried as I told her her constant struggles are feelings of guilt and not knowing her passions. She looked at me with these big eyes and said, that she felt guilty for taking her moms life away when she was born so she could not have a normal life and enjoy her youth, so she started to study what her mom wanted her to study and never knew what she liked until she fell into a depression. She then found surfing and since then that has been what kept her alive. With teary eyes she hugged me and said, I read her life story out of her hands and that she was so thankful. Three hugs later we laughed and I left the place.
I got there. I was happy. I forgot my pain, I helped someone else which made me feel good. I told myself, that I would not think of it, I would just leave my pain my pain, leave my thoughts my thoughts, and just let it be the shadow, the spike, the trigger. I would surrender to the fact that I can not do anything about it really. I would have to surrender. With it came a ton of bitterness, but eventually I got to see what I could do good, and that was uplifting someone else in the meantime. I felt like I was on purpose, even though the pain was still there. I might have to embrace it. Love it. Because I can not control nor change it. I closed down in a way and something died in me, again, and something else could come to the surface, me enjoying helping the ones that I am meant to help, even if it is just a smile or a word.
It is a weird satisfaction writing about that. And it makes me realize that I can now focus on the pain or I can focus on that satisfaction. And it does make a difference, because do I focus on the pain, it will increase and make the moment pain-full. Do I focus on the satisfaction of having helped a person, I smile internally and feel warm. I want to feel warm, I want to love and be happy, I want to be loved and feel satisfied. So why would I choose to focus on the pain if I can't do anything about it but embrace it? I might as well choose to yet still be happy, enjoy my time and the satisfaction I got today and decide to be grateful, despite the pain? Buddha said life is suffering, as we clinge to things. Yes, it is, as we want things to go away, stay, change. But eventually we can't control it and it will force us to either go nuts or embrace it. In order to do so, we have to choose to be happy and go on, despite the pain and suffer. Once we can really do that, we might see that there can be joy and peace WITH the pain. Fully embrace it. It gives space, it creates a deep sense of peace. And maybe life is about that, until we learnt it all.
I do feel better now. I guess this time, writing did help after all..